Zucchini

We took Rachel out to the swimming pool at our hotel at Gulf Shores, Alabama today. Rachel doesn't know how to swim and hasn't received lessons yet. After she had her tonsils and adenoids removed last year, doctors put in ear tubes, which don't mix real well with water.

Still, today was a chance to get Rachel used to floaties and teach her not to go in the pool without a responsible adult. Okay, that means mommy. But if mommy isn't around, then I have to fill in.

Anyway, as Rachel prepared to change in our hotel room, she told her mom she needed to put on her "zucchini." She later corrected it to "bikini" and explained she had trouble saying "that word."

I'm glad we have a daughter. If my son said he had to put on his "zucchini" before heading to the pool, we'd have to have a heart-to-heart talk then and there!

Vacation Vignettes

Greetings from Texas. So far, we have driven more than 12-hundred miles from Atlanta to Tuscaloosa to Tyler to Dallas to Austin to San Antonio. We got an oil change just before we left. At this rate, we will need another by the time we return to Atlanta.

Let's see. Tuesday night was Atlanta. Wednesday night was Tyler. Thursday night was Dallas. Friday night was San Antonio. We've been in more beds than Paris Hilton.

Rachel has held up fairly well. Obviously, her routine has been disrupted, but days like today, when she got to hang with SpongeBob and Timmy Turner from Fairly Oddparents seems to have added some serenity to her daily life.

Of course, the fact that temperatures in San Antonio have made it feel like Hell's suburb haven't helped anyone's demeanor. Our car has become an odd amalgam of souvenirs...paper flowers from a Fiesta party, balloon monkeys from a lunch at a Mexican restaurant, gifts from generous friends I haven't seen in at least two years or longer.

We did have a tragic incident in which I rolled up the car windows and a balloon monkey's tail got caught and popped. We wanted to make him balloon crutches, but by then we had already left the restaurant.

We also have made a pilgrimmage to my favorite barbecue place and found it more than met our expectations. I thought we ordered way too much food, but surprisingly we polished it off. Rachel has developed an annoying habit of asking for another bowl of cereal at free hotel breakfasts and then telling us she is too full to eat any, but she is five, after all.

There have been moments of discipline, standoffs and tears, but all in all, seeing all these wonderful people have brought us great joy.

Two things stand out though that I must share. Thursday night, while waiting for my stepmother, sister and Rachel to meet us for dinner, my wife and I arrived first at the shopping center where we were to rendezvous. I got out of the car and directly in front of me was The Casket Store. Two doors down was a store called Boxes To Go. I turned to my wife and asked, "Shouldn't that be the same store?"

Monday morning, Rachel and I headed downstairs for breakfast. Divorce Court was on. Some woman was talking about her "baby daddy." Rachel started laughing. Before I could ask why, she explained, "Her daddy is the size of a baby!" followed by more laughter.

I can only hope she stays that innocent a while longer.

Out of the Mouths (A Continuing Series)

We went to a Greek restaurant in our neighborhood for lunch today. At one point, our waitress appeared on the opposite side of our table carrying some sort of flaming entree'. The flames were rather high and Rachel, who has a healthy fear of fire, was frightened.

She moved toward her mother who reassured her, "She (the waitress)is a professional. She knows what she is doing. Don't worry."

Still, Rachel was yelling, "Fire! Fire!"

Rebecca reassured her again. "It's not something you or I will ever be required to do, but she knows what she is doing."

Rachel replied, "I know that. I'm never going to work in food service."

For The Birds

We have weird birds outside our house. I think it may be my wife's fault.

Compared to other houses, we throw an eclectic birdie buffet in our front yard. Actually, the birds can be divided into two categories.

First are the birds that eat matzah. We always have leftover matzah after Passover. These birds usually fly only from right to left. They refuse to eat until ten of them are present and they can say the blessing over the bread. Some of them have rearranged their feathers into side curls. And one type of bird has renamed itself as the mourning dav.

And then there is this. I came out the other day to the sound of a couple of birds scolding their young after eating our discarded matzah. I don't speak bird, so I went to the Yellow Pages until I found the heading Bird Whisperer.

I called her up and asked for a house call. She came over, witnessed the behavior and soon began nodding understandingly.

"Well, what are they saying?" I asked breathlessly.

"What you are witnessing is classic avian Jewish mother behavior," she explained. "She is telling them not to fly until they haven't eaten for thirty minutes."

"Ohhhhhhhh," I replied. Somehow it sounded vaguely familiar. I think these are the same birds putting up mezuzzahs on their nests.

Our other set of birds have difficulty flying for an entirely different reason. They are eating the Dunkin' Donut Munchkins that Rachel doesn't finish. Rachel tends to lick off all the sugar and leave the cake. Not that appetizing for the rest of the humans around her.

The birds don't care though. We have a couple that wait in our front yard tree. They know that when the door to my wife's car opens, there is a chance Munchkins will follow.

Like the rest of us though, some birds just don't know the meaning of moderation. They lack willpower, eat too many Munchkins and when it comes time to fly, they find themselves weighed down. We've also seen these same birds teaming up by the hundreds, dumping out the water in the birdbath and then replacing the water with coffee. They then dunk the Munchkins in the birdbath!

I feel bad for our overweight birds. I called the Bird Whisperer again. She is supposed to call us back when the dozen miniature treadmills come in.

No Arguing With A 5-Year-Old

Rebecca and Rachel were watching tv the other day when Beethoven's 5th came on in a commercial. Rachel said, "Oh, that's the song from Little Einsteins.

Rebecca said, "Actually that was written by a man named Beethoven."

"No," Rachel insisted. "It's from Little Einsteins!"

Red Lobster

We are trying to introduce Rachel to more of "our music." That way, everyone can enjoy themselves in the car and mommy and daddy don't have to listen to a steady diet of Sponge Bob and Little People.

Naturally, we are delighted that one of "our songs" Rachel has taken a liking to is the B-52S Rock Lobster. It has a catchy beat we all love and daddy likes to jack up the bass solos.

However, we had to stifle laughs today when Rachel told us she wanted to hear Red Lobster!

Can you imagine those lyrics?

We were really hungry,
Needed something bad,
Perhaps some tuna, salmon,
Or maybe eat some shad.

We didn't want McDonalds,
That there foods for wimps,
We wanted seafood cocktails,
Surrounded by some shrimps,
Didn't want Italian,
We're not Mafia or Mobster,
Only one place felt real right,
Our friendly ole Red Lobster.

Red Lobster!

Don't care what we pay,
Just don't give a damn,
Just want some buffet sefood,
Perhaps a bite of clam.

Pass the mahi mahi,
I'll have a bite of snapper,
For now we overeat,
Tonight we hit the crapper.

Red Lobster!

Bass!
Kicks Ass!
Nothing makes me happier!
Than a plate of fried tilapia!

Red Lobster!
Red Lobster!


(Oops, gotta go. Someone says it is time for my meds!)

Hippy

We have a new pet. Not that I've seen her.

Rachel can see her though. I'm told her name is Hippy. She is a hippopotamus.

I don't know when she came home. I do know one of the Wiggles brought her home from the animal shelter. She is gray.

When Rachel went to preschool, Hippy waited outside on the playground. She must be pretty agile or a really skinny hippo, because no slides or swings appeared to be bent or broken.

Rachel makes sure Hippy is well fed. When she's out in the front yard, she tears up weeds and green leaves and leaves them in a pile in the driveway. Rachel is always concerned Hippy may not have enough to eat.

Even though I can't see her, I am glad Hippy has Rachel and Rachel has Hippy.

Bathroom Humor

I'm so glad I'm a guy. If for no other reason, I don't have to wait for a stall to open up so I can use the bathroom.

Recently, I took number one daughter with me to the men's room so she could number one. Unfortunately, there was someone in the only stall. And by unfortunately, I think I mean for him.

We walked in and Rachel quickly surmised the situation. She leaned over part way, saw the shoes and the pants around the ankles and said loudly, "There is someone in there, daddy!"

"I know sweetie," I replied. "We'll stand over here and wait our turn."

I ushered her off to the side so our shoes wouldn't be visible to the gentleman.

"We'll go in as soon as they're done, right daddy?"

"Right!" I replied. I could almost feel the man's butt cheeks tightening.

A few seconds passed.

"He's still in there," said Rachel.

"I know," I answered. And then in a louder voice, I said, "I'm sorry, sir."

And then, and Lord knows where this came from, Rachel said, "If it's a bad guy, kill him!"

I laughed and said something like, "I'm sure it's not a bad guy.'

About then, the stall door opened. It was the restaurant manager!

Lilies

See, not every picture I take is of Rachel

My Stocks Are Not Doing Well

Renaissance Festival Wench