For The Birds

We have weird birds outside our house. I think it may be my wife's fault.

Compared to other houses, we throw an eclectic birdie buffet in our front yard. Actually, the birds can be divided into two categories.

First are the birds that eat matzah. We always have leftover matzah after Passover. These birds usually fly only from right to left. They refuse to eat until ten of them are present and they can say the blessing over the bread. Some of them have rearranged their feathers into side curls. And one type of bird has renamed itself as the mourning dav.

And then there is this. I came out the other day to the sound of a couple of birds scolding their young after eating our discarded matzah. I don't speak bird, so I went to the Yellow Pages until I found the heading Bird Whisperer.

I called her up and asked for a house call. She came over, witnessed the behavior and soon began nodding understandingly.

"Well, what are they saying?" I asked breathlessly.

"What you are witnessing is classic avian Jewish mother behavior," she explained. "She is telling them not to fly until they haven't eaten for thirty minutes."

"Ohhhhhhhh," I replied. Somehow it sounded vaguely familiar. I think these are the same birds putting up mezuzzahs on their nests.

Our other set of birds have difficulty flying for an entirely different reason. They are eating the Dunkin' Donut Munchkins that Rachel doesn't finish. Rachel tends to lick off all the sugar and leave the cake. Not that appetizing for the rest of the humans around her.

The birds don't care though. We have a couple that wait in our front yard tree. They know that when the door to my wife's car opens, there is a chance Munchkins will follow.

Like the rest of us though, some birds just don't know the meaning of moderation. They lack willpower, eat too many Munchkins and when it comes time to fly, they find themselves weighed down. We've also seen these same birds teaming up by the hundreds, dumping out the water in the birdbath and then replacing the water with coffee. They then dunk the Munchkins in the birdbath!

I feel bad for our overweight birds. I called the Bird Whisperer again. She is supposed to call us back when the dozen miniature treadmills come in.