Pre-Teen Theme Park

  I recently commiserated with a friend how my daughter, who was never really "sugar and spice" to begin with, had morphed into a moody pre-teen, although truth be told, that's redundant. 

  My friend offered sympathies and then handed me a pass to what she said was a "Pre-Teen Theme Park." 

  I replied that I didn't really feel like taking my daughter there.  My friend said, "It's not for her.  It's for you.  It will give you real insight of what it's like to be a pre-teen."

  One Saturday, when my wife and daughter were otherwise engaged, I decided to check it out.  I produced my pass and gave it to the ticket taker.  "Is this Pre-Teen Theme Park?"   She rolled her eyes.  At first,  I thought it was rude and then it hit me.  "Ohhhhh, I get it now," I said.

  The first ride was the Hormonal Rollercoaster.  As I was standing in line, various pre-teens walked up to me making random statements like, "You're going to wear THAT?" and "Try not to embarrass me this time!"   They seemed really exasperated.

  I was paired with a pre-teen named Jasmine.  Well, sort of.   She didn't want to ride in the same car as me, so she sat one car behind me.  As we crested the first hill slowly, she muttered, "This is the worst ride ever!"  As things sped up, her demeanor changed.  She pulled out her cell phone to take selfies of her hair flying behind her."   "Isn't this fun?" I shouted.  She scowled and pretended not to hear me.  I turned back around, but could hear her exclaim, "What a loser!" before she started giggling uncontrollably.

  When that ride stopped, I was directed to a nearby group of trampolines.  Each one had an A and a Z printed on the canvas.  There was a sensor under each.  I was instructed to jump on A, listen, give a natural response and then jump on Z.

  I gave it a try.  I jumped on A and heard, "This test is really difficult."  

  "Do your best," I responded.   "You can't always get everything right the first time."

  I then jumped on Z.  "Now I'll never get to college!"

  I tried again.  I jumped on A.  "I caught Ian looking at me today.  He turned red when he saw that I saw him."

  "He probably thinks you're cute!"

  I jumped on Z.  "More likely he finds me hideous and he was embarrassed when he thought I thought for a second he liked me.

  I tried a final time.   Skipping A I just said, "I love you sweetie.  I always will.  You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

  I jumped on Z.  "You have to say that!   You're my dad!"


  I went to the next exhibit.  It was actually a hologram of my daughter and was called "Holding A Grudge."   You stayed as long as you could until you couldn't take the negativity anymore.   You'd earn extra tickets the longer you were able to stay.

  "Mary really hurt my feelings when she insulted my art assignment."
 
  "When did that happen?" I asked my holographic daughter.

  "Back in third grade!" she answered indignantly.

  "We have good memories too," I said.  "Remember when I wrote you letters pretending to be the tooth fairy..."

  "Don't remind me." she said.  "I was so stupid back then!"

  I had enough.  I took a break at the Pre-Teen Café.  It was weird though.  I ordered food that sounded like it tasted really good, but when they brought it to the table, I didn't want to eat it.  I was just wasting my money.

  I then went to cash in my tickets.  I was overjoyed to learn that I had qualified for an elective!

  "What are my options?" I asked.

  "Drama, drama, drama, drama or drama."

  "No thanks," I said,  "I can get that at home."