Things You Never Expect Your Child To Say

Last night, we went to dinner at a Mexican restaurant. Rachel was hardly on her best behavior.
At one point, she tells Rebecca and me in a matter-of-fact tone, "I want to hit the bottle."
My mind tries to process the information until I realize-she wants me to pick her up to she can swat at the inflatable Corona bottle in the next room.
I was about to enroll her in Toddler Alcoholics Anonymous.

I Demand A Recount!

People Magazine has named actor Matthew McConaughey "The Sexiest Man Alive for 2005." The actor admits he hasn't worn deodorant in 20 years. I think they stuffed the ballot boxes in France!

Rachel and Food

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving!
I am happy to have such a sensitive wife and precocious child with a discerning palate.
Here is proof.
I am told that in Rachel's classroom, they were asking each child his or her favorite foods.
"Cookies" said one.
"Juice" said another.
"Crackers" replied the next.
"Cereal" was the next answer.
Then came Rachel's turn.
Without hesitation, she said, "Chicken alfredo."
Her teacher and teacher's assistant still are laughing about it weeks later.

Just to reinforce the point about the discerning palate, the other day my wife took Rachel in for a followup doctor's appointment.
It turns out she is over her former ailment, but now has a bad cold.
During the course of the exam, she looks at Dr. Smith and says, "I go get some grouper from Athen's Pizza."
"She eats grouper?" asked the doctor.
"She loves grouper!" replied my wife.

Don't get the wrong idea though. If you mention chocolate around my little girl, she'll flash you a big grin.
If you offer her M & M's, make sure you include the blue ones.
And for goodness sakes, if she and mommy bring you a chocolate/vanilla swirl with Oreos on it from TCBY, the least you can do is eat it right away. The other night, I moved mine to the freezer and Rachel was practically apoplectic.
"Can I have your Oreos, daddy?"
"You eat your yogurt now?"
"I want your Oreos."
"Now, daddy? Now?"
The chocolate obsession is genetic, from both sides of the family.

Rachel is also a bread fiend. Bread, croutons, rolls,you name it.
One afternoon, we were at a restaurant and she had an array of 8 or 9 croutons in front of her. She reached for one of mine.
"Rachel, why do you need my croutons when you have 8 or 9 of your own?"
"He wants to be with his friends," was the reply.
Hard to argue with that logic!

Jesus Mode

Rachel was in what we call "Jesus mode" tonight.
"No, I don't like my water!" she sobbed.
Yes, she had turned her water into whine.

Could It Be Tragic?

I believe it was Whitney Houston who once sang, "I believe that children are our future..." And then the mike went off and she asked for her crack pipe.

But Whitney was right. Our children are our future and we owe it to them to get them the best education possible and provide shelter from life's storms.

These are the formative years, the impressionable years and it's so important to place your child with people you trust at a school that matches the values you want to impart.

Fortunately, we have done that with Rachel. She interacts with others, enjoys the creative time she gets to paint or draw. Her communications skills are topnotch. For that I credit wonderful teachers and our persistent work with her at home.

Sadly though, her recent behavior has taken a turn for the bizarre. And then I found out why...her teacher is the President of the Barry Manilow Fan Club. This is not a joke. It has affected Rachel greatly. No, it's not Scientology, but still.....

When we tell Rachel it's time for a bath, she asks to go to a bathhouse and looks around without success for Bette Midler.

When her mom drops off clothing to Goodwill, Rachel praises her by saying, "Mommy!
You gave...and you gave without taking!" Even now, some of you haven't gotten that joke.

Parting at school has become an embarrassment. She's so overdramatic. Instead of a simple goodbye. it's all this, "When will our eyes meet, when can I touch you?"

And then when I come home, she squeals, "Daddy! Let me feel the wonder of all of you!" Frankly, it's creepy!

But what really chaps my rear is when she takes dramatic to a new level. We'll be discussing something and Rachel will be talking really fast, but right toward the end of the discussion, she'll slow down her cadence and loudly belt a drum every several words or so. Drama queen this one!

So that's why I'm worried. I believe Barry Manilow threatens the future of our children.

I really didn't think I'd be able to finish this diatribe tonight, but looks like we made it!

Growing Girl

It's hard to believe that Rachel will be 3 in less than 2 months. I love watching her development. If it's approved, I'll have a vacation day for her birthday and we'll celebrate it all day!
I hear you clamoring for examples. Actually, I can't, but for the sake of poetic license, I must soldier on.

Intelligence-We're sitting around the dinner table the other night and my wife asks me, "Do you think we give her a b-a-t-h tonight?" Before I can answer, Rachel says, "I get a bath?" Maybe we've spelled that word around her enough, but it was still adorable.

Her Palate-It remains very particular. When asked whether she wanted turkey for Thanksgiving, she replied, "No! French Fries!"

Music-This child loves music. She enjoys her toy maracas and harmonica and has shown interest as mommy teaches her the piano. When asked where d is, she presses the right note. On the way to school, she isn't happy unless she hears Gary Glitter's "Rock N' Roll, Part 2." She calls it "The Hockey Song", because she hears it at hockey games when the home team scores a goal.

Teaching-How adorable is this? I walked out into the living room the other day and she had her "Little People" arrayed in a semi-circle. She'd hold up different shapes and say, "What's That? Circle. Very good" Then she'd move to the next one.
When asked whether she wanted to be a teacher one day, she replied, "No, a little girl."

Guilt Giver-I took her to school one day and she didn't want me to leave. I told her, "Sweetie, daddy needs to go to work." She replied, "But I NEED you. Lie down with me!" I felt teeny-tiny as I left the room."

She's also had a good night at the minor league hockey game last Saturday night. We sat right next to where the refs and between-period entertainment entered the ice. She was determined to see the mascot, Maximus (Lion mascot for the Gladiators.)
Maximus saw her and gave her a hug. One of the camera guys shooting action on the ice and faces in the crowd used to work with me. He put Rachel's image on the scoreboard. Unfortunately, I missed it, because I was at the ticket window picking up our tickets for the Wiggles next Saturday. (That should be a great blog entry...a 1 1/2 year-old, 2 2-year-olds, a 3-year-old and a 4-year-old in a suite!) After the game, the season ticket holder in front of us got the ref's attention so he'd give Rachel an official puck, which we then got autographed by one of the guys who scored a goal. He actually had all his teeth. Rachel still has some to go!

She also displayed a little "attitude" during the game and shot me the dreaded "toddler face." I snapped a picture and will post it here soon.

And that, in the news biz, is what we call "a tease."

Rachel Goes to Sick Bay and Won't Come Out!

I am happy to report that our daughter is healthy once again. We had quite a two weeks of it.
It began with a bad cough. That turned out to be the croup. For those unfamiliar with the croup, the cough resembles a barking seal, so much so that a couple of strangers threw fish at her at the mall food court. That was the first trip to the doctor.
Being the overachiever that she is, Rachel decided the croup wasn't good enough for her. She grew more lethargic and her temperature shot up to 103 or 104. Or at least it did until daddy bumped into her ear thermometer and watched it fall into the toilet.
The fever just refused to moderate, so it was time for trip two to the doctor. This time, she added a sinus infection to the croup.
She felt horrible and she wanted everyone to know it. The answer to everything was "No", except it came out as a whiny "Noah!" We heard "Noah" roughly 2,653 times a day. She also wanted "upee", her version of "up!". She wanted to be held constantly. What complicated that was right about that time, daddy was diagnosed with the shingles. Having her lay on my right shoulder hurt, so I constantly had to move her to the left.
We thought she had finally turned the corner, so we took her back to preschool one Wednesday. It turns out the corner was a dead end. She was in her classroom roughly ten minutes when she discovered her mommy was teaching next door. Shedding persistent tears, she moved from her 2-year-olds class to where mommy was with the 18-to-24 month olds.
She felt so lousy, she wouldn't stop crying. Being a natural born leader, her tears upset the 18-to-24 month olds, who soon joined her in a tearful symphony.
At this point, my wife called me and asked whether I could leave work to be with Rachel for 30-45 minutes. I work across the street, so that was doable.
I wasn't prepared for what I saw. Four wailing children, a plethora of runny noses. It looked like Snotapalooza in there. I took Rachel out and asks her what was wrong and got nowhere in my inquiries.
Some time after that, we noticed Rachel had acquired some color. My wife has native American in her background, but Rachel has always been a paleface. Not any more. It started as a rash on her head and stomach. It had spread to her arms and toes by the next day.
Back to the doctor we went. It turns out that our child is allergic to penicillin. So she entered the wonderful world of Benadryl. This was the first, and possibly the last, time I have heard my child say, "I want to go to bed."
The rash cleared up, though she still felt pretty punk. And she certainly wasn't going to rave about the taste of Benadryl. It practically required the Jaws of Life to pull apart her teeth. And after each dose from the dropper, she demanded "WATER!" in no uncertain terms.
Finally, she is back to herself. No "Noah." No Benadryl. Into everything. Affectionate. Smiling. It is good to have her back!

This just in.......

This was too funny not to pass on from my e-mail.....

President Bush May Send Up To 5 Marines For French Assistance

President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a
battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Facing an
apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers, Mr.
Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little piss ants. "Hell, if
the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to
surrender any day now", said Bush.

Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might
be necessary to send up to 5 marines to get things under control. The
general admitted that 5 marines may be overkill but he wanted to get
this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated
he was having a hard time finding even one marine to help those ungrateful
bastards out for a third time but thought that he could
persuade a few women marines to do the job before they went on
pregnancy leave.

President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our marines out of there as soon
as possible after order was restored. He also reminded Gen. Pace to
make sure the marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them.
The less they stand out the better.