Oldie but Goodie

In honor of the upcoming Rolling Stones "Geezerpalooza Tour"....

What did Mick Jagger say when he found the originator of Playboy Magazine in bed with Dennis Weaver?

"Hey! Hugh! Get off of McCloud!"

Remember to tip your waitresses and drive safely.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

Dr. Watson? Dr. Watson? Come quickly....
...So I come in from work tonight and find the keyboard pushed up, pencil shavings strewn in front of it, a broken pencil sharpener and a plastic container of pencil erasers open with five or six erasers scattered on the table. A big rock engraved with the word "create" is upside down in front of the keyboard, instead of behind it where it is usually kept. There is scribbling on my fantasy baseball pad that wasn't there when I last used it last night.
Gee, I wonder who could have been in here?
Actually, it may be my fault. I bought the mischievous tyke some toddler cd-roms, where she could learn more about letters, numbers, colors and shapes. She pretty much knew the first three categories and has quickly learned her shapes. The Cd-Roms contain characters from Mickey Mouse, Winnie the Pooh and Dragon Tales.
What really scared me was the day I walked in here and found the screen on the Winnie the Pooh cd-rom. Somehow, she got in here, launched the e drive with the Pooh icon, then navigated off the first page to a second page. Mind you, there is no shortcut Pooh icon on my desktop. Frightening!
There is another telltale sign to identify that your toddler has been on the computer. It's when you log on and find "File xhe5k3uy8qqqqq not found."
Rachel's computer skills are just a few of the things I discovered during my 6-day vacation that just completed. And I'm happy to say that today, for the first time in six weeks, we have flooring in the dining room! The wood was installed today, replacing the carpet that was soiled during a leak under the utility closet in the garage.
We're all cramped while furniture, magazines and stuff we should have thrown away anyway is moved around or tossed out. Now we have to clear out everything in the living room so we can get new carpet in there. The old carpet has been there ten-plus years and the new carpet means we can no longer play "name that stain." Most have to do with daddy dropping something anyway.
Anyway, #1 daughter has not been real happy with admonitions not to move this or to pick up that, to the point where she looked at me twice in the past few days and exclaimed exasperatingly, "I can't do anything! Such a drama queen!
She's definitely two and a half. Crying gives way to joy pretty quickly and vice-versa. There are laughs along the way. She was angry about bedtime one night and we heard a series of "Nos!" through the door. "No light! No nap!" No this, no that. We let it play itself out and after she fell asleep, we checked on her. During her tantrum, she had launched a half-dozen stuffed animals from the crib. Ord and Cassie from DragonTales were spared, but apparently, the heffalump was deemed expendable.
We should have known when a friend asked her to be a good girl one afternoon and the answer was a begrudged, "Ummmm, I guess!"
Still, vacation was fun. I carried Rachel through an outdoor mall fountain with both of us fully clothed yesterday....not an enclosed fountain, but one where the water shoots out of the ground. Mom was pretty shocked, but I like to surprise my daughter once in a while. Rachel smiled as she informed me, "I'm wet!"
We also went to a PetSmart, where Rachel looked at dogs, cats, birds, hamsters and fish up close. She seemed to like dogs the best, although she later told me she wanted a goat, amended it to a monkey and finally settled on a sheep.
I'm gonna have to talk to her mother about that.

Because of That!

Remember the Family Circus cartoons when the parent asked the child who did some bad thing? The answer was often "Not Me" or "Ida Know", which each became ghost figures that were pictured in the panel.
Well, it turns out we have one of those in our house too.
"Rachel, why did you do that?"
"Because of that!"
"Because of what?"
"That!"
"That" has been responsible for spilled Cheerios, pilfered plastic bags of beads that mom wanted to use to make jewelry, as well as incidents when each and every toy or book is strewn across the living room after removal from their respective baskets.
No matter how hard we press, Rachel usually clings steadfast to laying the blame on "that."
You know me, always thinking. I wondered whether Rachel's excuse would work in my world.
First I tried it in the workplace.
"David, why did you lead your newscast with that story when the lead was clearly the other one?"
"Because of that."
"Because of WHAT?"
"That!"
"What is that?"
"What is what?"
"That."
"Oh, thaattt that!"
"Yes, thaatt that!"
His phone rang.
He excused himself.
And I knew that was when to leave.

Can you imagine using the strategy if a policeman pulled you over?
"Excuse me, sir. I clocked you going 50 miles per hour in a 35 mile per hour zone.
Give me one good reason for not writing you a ticket!"
"That!"
"That?"
"Why were you speeding?"
"Because of that."
"That?"
"Yes, that."
"What is that?"
"Where?"
"No, what is the that you refer to?"
"Ohhh, that"
"That" won't get you out of a ticket, but at least the officer has to work for it.

Imagine its use in a court of law.
"Objection, your honor!"
"What is the basis of your objection?"
"That."
"That?"
"I object to his objection, your honor. Too vague."
"That's a reasonable argument. I won't allow that."
"The first objection or the second objection?"
"What?"
"You won't allow that, but you'll allow that?"
"That's right."
"That's the basis of my argument."
"That's too bad. That won't fly in my courtroom."
"But that isn't fair!"
"That's my ruling and that's that!"

Caution! Wet Mud

When we came into work today, there were numerous pieces of paper posted on the wall. They had apparently done some work over the weekend, as the signs read, "Caution! Wet mud."
As our morning weatherman pointed out, isn't that redundant? Isn't dry mud called dirt?

You Can't Make This Up

On the other side of the world are a group of ships that are part of the Titan line. Each ship is named after a Greek God who was one of the Titans. Somebody didn't do a really good job of thinking this through.

One ship, based in Hong Kong, is the Titan Uranus.

And no, I didn't type this in Google. It was on a website I visit. There is even a picture on the Internet, but I don't have the rights to reprint it here.

Winnie The Pooh Live

Yesterday, the three of us traveled to the Gwinnett Arena nearby to see the touring company of "Winnie the Pooh Live." The touring company did a stellar job and the narrator had a nice singing voice.
Thankfully, my fears were unfounded. You see, the touring company was affiliated with Feld Entertainment, the same people who are responsible for Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus.
I feared they would produce "Winnie the Pooh Live" the same way they do the circus. I could only imagine what that would be like...
...Pooh, Piglet, Tigger, Owl, Rabbit, Eeyore, Kanga and Roo would arrive in one little car. They would emerge, then run around in madcap style and sneeze confetti into the front row.
And what would come next would certainly be inappropriate for little children to see. Six Heffalumps would parade around a circular enclosure and Christopher Robin would snap a whip at any of them who didn't comply with his orders.
Then they would erect these four 80 foot poles that frankly, wouldn't look too sturdy. Pooh, Rabbit, Kanga and Piglet would teeter precariously over the crowd and several times, it would look like they would either fall or the poles would snap. I'd be holding my breath the entire time.
There would be sponsor intrusions too, There would be this mock psychiatrist sketch where they try to prescribe Prozac for Eeyore and treat Tigger for ADD. It would be most inappropriate.
Then there would be the tightrope act. Winnie the Pooh would be on one platform and on the other side, across from where he stood, would be a jar of honey. Again, I would hold my breath for a long time. A smackerel of honey just ain't worth it.
All of this would pale next to the frightening finale. Stagehands would roll in this huge metal ball containing two motorcycles that definitely need mufflers. With a deafening roar, Owl and Rabbit would drive their motorcycles around the ball, somehow managing not to run into each other. Then, they would add beloved Tigger to the mix and all three motorcycles would roar around the circle. Then, as the drum roll built in intensity, they would add Pooh on a fourth motorcycle. Still, there would be no collision.
For the big climax, the four motorcycles would the metal ball while Piglet stood in the middle, mutterring, "Oh d-d-d-d-dear! " Kids would crying throughout the Arena. As families rushed for the exits, an announcer would invite everyone to return for the 2006 show, "Winnie the Pooh Dead!" Apparently, the silly old bear is allergic to bee stings.

Laughs Within The Tantrum

My wife called tonight. Rachel is in the midst of a wall-rattling, fierce tantrum. She doesn't want to take a nap. She's going to be hoarse tomorrow; that's how bad it is.
All of a sudden, Rebecca begins to laugh. A clap of thunder resounded over the house and the crying stopped abruptly. Instead, the baby monitor picked up a toddler voice saying, "Ooohhhh, that's not good!"
The tantrum soons resumes, however, as we hear a screamed, "I'm never gonna go to sleep again!"

Disturbing Doughboy

So we're all sitting at home last night and a commercial comes on featuring the Pillsbury Doughboy. Rachel asks, "What's that?" so I explain it.
The commercial begins with Pop N' Fresh in the kitchen, which is fine and dandy, but by the end of the commercial, the husband and wife are lying down on their respective pillows and the Doughboy is between their heads!
What is he doing in the bedroom? Aren't they afraid of getting yeast infections?

Rachel Update

Good Evening, folks!
Finally, I get to sit down and say hello. The girls are sacked out after a little sales tax holiday shopping for school supplies and learning tools....more on that in a bit.
It's quite humid in the computer room, so I have ditched my shirt, confident a certain 2 1/2 year-old won't walk in here, look at my chest and exclaim, "Pretty Nipples!" I wish I was making that up.
There is no cheese in the world to go with all the whine that pours out of a 2 1/2 year-old.
You would think their world was on a string. You get fed; you get changed; you get pampered, but sometimes it's just not enough. There are Little People to see, Heffalump movies to watch, feet to be stepped on and moods to be swung. Sometimes I have these visions of Joan Crawford before snapping back into reality.
Rachel has so much hair, I think it obscures the devil horns underneath. The other day, Rebecca walked into the kitchen and Beelzebabe had poured out the oatmeal and sugar for her cereal onto the floor.
But what really drives us batty now is we can ask her if she wants chicken, for example, and she says, "No" Within 15 seconds she is shouting, "Chicken! Chicken! Chicken!" Multiply that by 100 times a day and you can see why we can't wait for this phase to pass.
There are so many moments of sweetness to balance things out, though. When I tell her I love her, she responds, "I love you too, David." I tell her I prefer to be called daddy, since she is the only one who can call me that. So that starts a 30 second exchange of "David! Daddy! David! Daddy!...." The important thing is she loves me.
We recently decided that Little Pumpkin (a) needs to associate with more people her own age (b) needs to associate with more people her own age who speak English as a primary language and (c) we need to keep mommy out of the padded jacket with the pretty belts.
So I am happy to say that on September 1....Rachel begins preschool. She'll be going Monday-Wednesday-Friday to the Early Learning Center at our Temple from 9:30 a.m. to 1:30 pm except for Mondays, when she'll stay until 3 to play ball and listen to creative storytelling.
The school is across the street from my office, so we'll be able to travel together in the HOV lane. I can hear it now..."Music!" "Daddy needs to hear the news." "Music!" Rinse and repeat. If she ever gets sick, I'll be right across the street to pick her up.
There will be 12 people in her class...6 boys and 6 girls. Her class is the Butterflies. Rebecca and I were discussing this and Rebecca asked Rachel is she wanted to spend time with a teacher and other kids and the response was a loud, "Yea, school!" So we have that going for us, which is nice. And what's a little pink eye among friends!
Meanwhile, mommy will have a little more time to herself to relax, swim, read, sleep or whatever she chooses, as long as she doesn't swim and sleep at the same time.
Our dining room is still cement. We decided to get a second estimate on how much it would cost to use wood paneling in there and it turns out the estimate recommended by State Farm's dude was way out of line. Home Depot quoted us prices less than half of the contractor and they planned to use top-of-the-line stuff compared to cheap stuff the contractor wanted to use. You might say we were floored.
Anyway, I need to fill out paperwork for Rachel's school. That requires me to get off the Net to help my Butterfly.
Ya'll come back now, hear!

Love,