Something in The Way She Moos

Some people have waayyy too much time on their hands. For instance, there are those two German researchers who studied herds of cattle on Google Earth.

Huh?

All the wondrous sites available to see from above and you're ogling bovines by satellite? Why in the name of Elsie the Cow would you?

At any rate, after checking out more than 85-hundred cattle, Hans and Franz determined that two-thirds of them face north while grazing or at rest. Some birds and most bees have exhibited similar senses of direction in prior studies. However, the cattle are the first large land mammals to point due north. The researchers think Bessie and the girls possess some sort of internal compass.

For me, this is great news. I am what is known as directionally-challenged. Given a choice between two turns, I'll usually make the wrong choice. Two lefts do not make a right. Perhaps it's time to assist my utter inability to find the right way with a cow's udder ability to at least point me north-south.

Since my Honda Accord just passed 150-thousand miles, I thought it might be time to trade up. I went to my dealer and looked at larger models. A salesman approached and asked if there was anything he could do. I told him he could eliminate the Honda commercials where Mr. Opportunity knocks on the inside of my tv screen. For some reason, that noise really annoys me.

After he told me he would pass on my concerns, we got down to specifications if I was to make a new purchase. As we continued to negotiate, he asked what options I wanted. Automatic transmission? Check. Satellite radio? Maybe. A GPS tracker?

"No," I told him. "I want a cow."

He looked at me like he was about to request a pretty vest with restraints to be worn in a nice white room with padded walls.

"Whhhattt?" he stammered.

"A cow," I replied matter-of-factly. "I read that they tend to graze or rest facing north. I figure if I put one in my SUV on a swivel that rotates, it would be the equivalent of hanging one of those compass thingies under my rear view mirror. We'd hang at Chick-Fil-A together and I'd never have to worry about milk going bad in the fridge because I'd always have a fresh supply. Unless of course, you sold me a male, which would be great, because I'd have two extra horns if the one that comes with the car went bad and I'd have automatic power steer to give the thing more boost."

For some reason, he started blinking uncontrollably. He then glanced at his watch, set it forward an hour and said, "Gee, look at the time! I'd like to chat some more, but we're closing early today. You might want to try the Toyota dealership across the street. I hear they just got more livestock in stock."

"Thank you sir! You've been very helpful," I said. "Can I get your name in case I have to come in again?"

"It will be on the restraining order," he replied.