Too Much Time On Our Hands

Hi folks:

There is a gentleman in our newsroom assigned to the police beat. As a result, he has a stack of suspect mug shots on his desk. Two of my coworkers noticed last week he had a miniature Christmas tree on his desk and one of them had an idea.

I looked up that morning and heard quite a bit of laughing coming from that corner of the room. Laughter is a somewhat foreign sound in our plunging morale environment, but then again, the managers weren't in yet, so I decided to check it out.

The pair had gone to a nearby copy machine and miniaturized the mug shots and they were festively positioning the copies around the tree. There is Nick Nolte on a lower branch. There is James Brown three-quarters of the way up and perched on the top, where the star would go is Nicole Richie. They explained she's the most lightweight and wouldn't topple the tree.

One of the photojournalists contributed the title of the creation..."Oh Criminal Tree, Oh Criminal Tree." Unwilling to stop there, we decided to retitle a number of holiday songs to fit the theme. This is where I willingly and enthusiastically joined in the fun.

So here are some more of our songs for the Criminal Tree. See whether you can figure out my contributions.

"God, Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen"

"Oh Come, All You Bailful"

"'Twas the Night Before Arraignment"

"I'm Dreaming of a Bond Hearing"

"The Twelve Days of Jury Selection"

"Police Navidad, Police Navidad"

"Did You Hear What I Did?"

"Deck The Cell With Knotted Bedsheets"

"Rudolph, the Half-Crazed Bomber"

"Little Drugger Boy"

"A Way With A Stranger"

"Slay Ride"

"We Three Strikes"

"Probable Cause Is Coming to Town"

"Jingle Cell, Jingle Cell, Jingle Cellblock"

"I'll Have a Blue Christmas, Without Hugh"

"Oh, The Food Inside is Frightful"

"Round John Virgin"

"Hark, I Just Made Harold Sing"

"Violent Night"

"Over The Wall and Through the Fence"



Missing the Cut Due to Bad Taste (You know these must be bad)


"Chets' Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire"

"I Gazed Upon My Cellmate Queer"


Then they put pictures of prison fence around the tree and waited to see how it would be received and it was received with great laughter.