American Gladators- 5-year-old Edition

"Good evening and Welcome to 'American Gladiators. Tonight, Siren takes on Laura in a series of events centered around 5-year-old boys and girls. These events will challenge the patience, stamina and creativity of both contestants.

We determined the order before the show began. We presented both Siren and Laura with sippy cups and Barbie dolls completely covered in Scotch tape for no reason by their children. Their challenge was to remove the Scotch tape as quickly as possible and in the fewest pieces. A five second deduction was added for each curse word or negative statement uttered. Siren won by 2.5 seconds after Laura said something about 'tubes being tied.'

For her victory, Siren chose to go second in our next challenge 'Clean vs. Dirty.' Each contestant will be shown an item and have to determine whether it is clean or dirty. Bring out the first item! Laura, go!"

"Well, it's a shirt and it's really wrinkled. But there are no stains on it. I'm going to say it was left on the back of a chair, pulled onto the floor and used as a blanket. It's clean!"

"You are CORRECT! Siren, go!"

"That's easy. There is a hole in the knee and an odor of grass stains. I think this was worn 10 minutes and the child was told not to get it dirty and clearly ignored the request and made the entire family late to grandmas because when he went to change, none of the socks that could be found matched any others in the house."

"Siren, you know your children. You are CORRECT. Laura, your turn!"

"Well, it looks clean, but the pullover is badly stretched near the midsection. This is a tell-tale sign the child crammed as many stuffed animals as possible underneath it to simulate being pregnant."

"So, your answer is....."

"Clean....but no longer wearable!"

"CORRECT!...Siren!"

"Mud on the trouser cuffs. Hole in the elbow of the shirt. Dirty!"

"Oh, I'm SORRY. Laura, for the win...."

"The trousers can be stuffed in boots. The shirt can be covered with a sweater or jacket. All I'm asking is one day to wash my clothes and daddy's clothes. Dirty, but can be worn again!"

"CORRRR-RECT! Round to Laura. She leads one to nothing. Our next game involves mysterious stains on light-colored sofas, beige rugs and clothing. We will begin with Siren and go in order until a stain is misidentified. The other contestant must identify that one correctly and the next one to win the round. Siren...go!"

"Chocolate syrup!"

"CORR-RECT! Laura"

"Queso"

"YES....Siren!"

"Blood....from the third finger on the left hand."

"AMAZING!"

"Paste...third period art!"

"Siren, continue..."

"Kitty Litter?"

"CORR-RECT! Laura?"

"Magic marker!"

"OH, I"M SORRY! Siren?"

"Eyeliner!"

"Yes and for the win.....what is this stain?

"The glitter I told her not to open 204 times!"

"YES! Tied one to one. For all the marbles, our contestants will have to race barefoot from one end of the house to another to answer a phone before the machine picks up, not knowing it's just a telemarketer even though each woman signed up for the 'Do Not Call List'. Making it more difficult is a floor filled with obstacles left by teams of 5-year-olds who ignored repeated entreaties to 'pick up your stuff or it goes to Goodwill!'

Whoever reaches the phone first will be our champion. Ladies, are you ready? Then, GO!

Siren is off to an early lead after Laura was thrown into the wall by marbles. OH! But now Siren is extracting a metal jack from the fourth metacarpal. OOOHHHH! And now it's Laura's turn to writhe in pain as she stepped on Legos in the most painful way possible. Siren makes her way around Pirate Booty strewn about the floor, but look out! The silver tea set got her. That spout may have to be surgically removed. THE ANSWERING MACHINE IS BEEPING! THE MESSAGE IS BEING LEFT! Both women are on the floor in obvious pain as the five-year-olds point and giggle with delight, oblivious that there will be no trips to Toys R Us or Chuck E. Cheese the rest of the month. For the 239th night in a row, WE HAVE NO WINNER! But as always, we thank you for watching! American Gladiators is performed before a live studio audience and we hope at least two of them are doctors! Good night!"