Let's Not Go Krogering!

"Attention, Kroger shoppers. Due to a growing number of morons in our store, we will be renaming the '15 items or less self-serve lane" the '15 brain cells or less lane.'"

I mean really, what is so dadburn difficult about buying groceries, getting into the self-serve lane, ringing yourself up, tabulating the cost, paying and leaving? Apparently, there are a lot of people out there who should be extremely thankful breathing is involuntary.

I spent 15 minutes today watching people in the checkout line looking at the machines like they were Paris Hilton attending a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

As a public service, I'd like to help explain the process.

"15 items or less."

15 is three more than a dozen. You start at one and count up to fifteen. If you have more than 15, get out of line. See that sign above that reads "15 items or less?" That's a big hint. I know we live in a melting pot. I am a first generation American on my father's side. He came to this country with a limited knowledge of the language, but he learned it and made a nice life for himself. Learn enough to perform basic functions.

One possible alternative, when the scanner senses a 16th item, a trap door opens and a pneumatic tube, much like what is used in banks, delivers the customer out to the parking lot while animatronic Sesame Street characters shout out numbers one through fifteen.

The Line

People are lined up to wait their turn. You get behind them, not in front of them. Don't point to the machine that reads $4.39 for nasal spray with a $1.50 Kroger card discount. No one can use it until the employee voids the sale. You know what? Go ahead and try to use it. Knock yourself out, you lemming.

By the way, if the machine says "collect your change from the cashier", that means the next person can't use it until the change is distributed.

"Speed It Up!"

If there is a line of people growing longer behind you, you can scan your items at a speed slightly quicker than a Yugo accelerating up an entrance ramp to merge into freeway traffic. We are cautiously optimistic you can find a bar code at a pace quicker than one every 45 seconds.

"Produce"

You hit the "produce button" and then hit the corresponding picture that looks like what you are buying. if you are buying bananas, look for the image that shows bananas. A watermelon is not a cherry! Lemons are not grapefruits! I believe the best solution to this dilemma would be to rig the machines so they deliver a massive electrical shock the second time the incorrect produce button is pressed. The current would increase with each subsequent mistake.

"Please place the item in the bag."

After you scan your item, place it in a plastic bag, or in the case of sodas, dog food or detergent, on the counter, with enough force so that the machine senses it. Continued ignorance of the process could result in you leaving the store in a bag, a body bag!

"Do you have any coupons?"

Simply press "yes" or "no." Otherwise the question shall be changed to "do you have any clue?"

You then press cash, debit or credit and pay, indicating whether you want change back.

I also think chronic self check-out offenders should have their photos posted, like criminals whose pictures are up at the post office. Or maybe we should have to submit to sophisticated eye scans and be required to use them every time we use the self-serve lanes. Habitual idiots would have their eyes scanned as sirens blare, lights flash and James Earl Jones voice intones "Moron alert...moron alert...moron alert" while others look disdainfully at the customer and the cashier hands them a scarlet M.

Not that I'm bitter or need anger management counseling or anything.