Son of a....Gun!

That's what is left of my innocence, crumpled in the corner.

On the drive home from school recently, 4-year-old Rachel asked my wife, "Mama, what does bitch mean?"

My wife responded it was the name for a female dog.

Naturally, we had to find out where she learned the word. We told her it wasn't a very nice word and we didn't want to hear her say it again. And we demanded to know the asshole who taught it to her!

Eventually, we got out of her that it was a classmate who we'll call Scott. Not only did "Scott" teach Rachel and her classmates the word, but he was gracious enough to teach them a song containing the word. Lovely, just lovely.

I fired off an e-mail to Rachel's teacher, but it turned out she was already aware of the situation. She made sure all the kids signed a contract that they wouldn't use it or any other bad words.

Rachel signed off at the deal, but the obvious shock value of the new word was just too intriguing to resist.

"Daddy, 'Scott' said, 'bitch.'"

"Well, Sweetheart, just because 'Scott' said that word doesn't mean you should. It's a bad word."

"That's right. You shouldn't say, 'bitch.'"

"Correct, so stop saying it!"

"Right, don't say 'bitch.'"

Now I have to admit it. I'm not the best dad when it comes to keeping a poker face. And to hear Rachel's sweet little face and voice say, "bitch", it was very difficult to prevent a smile from creasing my face. That would encourage her even more.

We prayed she wouldn't say it in front of strangers. How badly would that reflect on us as parents? And besides, when you say that word in front of strangers, you always imagine the word overmodulated, like Spinal Tap turned up to 11..."BITCH!"

It's now weeks later and Rachel still says, "You know what's a bad word?"

And we both shout, "No, don't say that word!"

Last night, in Temple of all places (of course), I had taken Rachel to the restroom and she says, out of nowhere, "Scott said, 'bitch!'"

Somewhere, G-d is laughing.

But I tell you, breaking my child of saying that word has been a real bi...uh, chore!