Thanks for the memo, Ries

Goofball, The Next Generation

2011-12-14T23:21:00.000-05:00

My daughter is a free spirit. In fact, I have labeled her a goofball. I should know. It appears she is following in my fooptsteps.

Back in the day, there was a toy called Time Bomb. Basically, it was an explosive version of musical chairs. You wound up this plastic bomb and threw it around in a circle. If the bomb "went off" when you were holding it, you were eliminated. You'd wind it up again and again, until there was only one child left standing, the winner.

Anyway, one year, we bought Time Bomb for my sister. I was having fun taunting her, telling her we got all these various gifts for her birthday that we really had not bought.

"We bought you Surfer Barbie and an Easy-Bake Oven. We bought you Creepy Crawlers. We also got you a Lite Brite. And we got you a Time Bomb..."

An instant realization that I told her about something we actually got her was accompanied by a spontaneous burst into tears. I was inconsolable. How could I do that? Hilarious now, horrifying then.

Another time, I received a miniature tool set. I brought it over to my next-door neighbor's house and spoke these immortal words to a child my age, Alan Mandel: "I bet you hit me in the forehead with a hammer and it wouldn't hurt."

Now mind you, this was not a plastic hammer. It was metal with a wooden handle. Alan took me up on my offer. Hammer met forehead. My hypothesis was proven wrong.

I ran home, tears streaming down my face.

"Mom, Alan hit me in the forehead with a hammer!"

"Why would he do that?"

"I told him to."

So Rachel, embrace your inner goofball. But please, be a smarter goofball than your dad!

Rachel Helene Of Troy

2011-10-30T10:52:00.002-04:00

I think we need to note this milestone in the blog. Two boys, Lucas and Alex, were fighting over Rachel during recess the other day. She says she was kind of embarrassed by it.

Rachel's Take On Traffic

2011-10-30T10:47:00.002-04:00

Through no fault of our own, we are often late to Rachel's school. We have to drive 25 miles and over three major highways to get there, but chances are there is going to be a bottleneck somewhere.

We've been told to do whatever we can to get her there on time, but we're truly at the mercy of Atlanta traffic.

Anyway, she got to school 20 minutes later the other day. Her teacher says she entered the room out of breath and gasped, "Sorry I'm late! Traffic was a bear!"

Not The First And It Won't Be The Last...

2011-10-30T10:45:00.000-04:00

Sooo...I'm driving Rachel home yesterday and I'm listening to one of her radio stations, because I'm trying to get current with her music.

This song by Far East Movement comes on, "Like A G6."

Doesn't make much sense to me, so I ask, "What are they saying? Like a Cheesestick?" Uncontrollable laughter in the back seat. I start rewriting the song extemporaneously, weaving in marinara and stuff like that. More unstifled giggling.

Good times, good times!

Puppy Love

2011-10-04T00:01:00.002-04:00

Apparently, not everyone is hurting in today's society. There was a dog wedding in Atlanta last Saturday and the day before, the bride and groom went to a doggie spa. Really? Really!

So naturally, that started talk in the newsroom about things you'd overhear at a wedding of two dogs. Gee, I wonder who would have initiated that conversation? Anyhow, here is what we came up with:

"You may now sniff the bride's butt"
"I hope they're not hounded by paparazzi"
"With this bone, I thee wed"
"I hear Pucci made her gown"
"Damn, where did I bury the ring?"
"Do you pledge to love, honor, obey, roll over and fetch?"
"You may now kiss the bitch"
"I don't think he'll stray. I bought an invisible fence as a gift"

Not to mention the limousine driving off with the bride's head hanging out one rear window and the groom's head hanging out the other.

well, Hello, Dali!

2011-09-28T15:15:00.000-04:00

I glance in my rear-view mirror and see Rachel has arranged part of a hot pink pipe cleaner into each nostril. At each end, the pipe cleaner is curled upward. She sees me looking. "Hi, I'm Salvador Dali!' she says. Strangely, I am proud.

Fun With Dr. Seuss

2011-09-06T13:38:00.003-04:00

I heard the other day that Dr. Seuss books were going digital. So I say to myself, "Self, you should write the script in the style of Dr. Seuss." And then I did.

Modern readers have no use,
For hardbound volumes of Dr. Seuss,
Perhaps you'd like to turn the page,
But Seuss has hit the digital age.

Yes, it's true, good sir and ma'am,
A new way to eat Green Eggs And Ham,
The perfect compliment, do not tarry,
You read it on your own Blackberry.

The point here of our little chat,
Is changes to Cat In The Hat,
Perhaps it is now Cat In The Cap,
For now he is an Apple App.

And to my anchor's credit, he flat out nailed the read!

Ms. Fix It

2011-08-06T16:18:00.002-04:00

What a refreshing shower! A stream of warm water had eased the tensions of another day and removed the fatigue from my eyes. I reached down to turn the knob to the off position when I heard a hideous snapping sound emanate from it. The knob continued to turn to the right and the water shut off.

With trepidation, I turned it back to the left. The number was disconnected and no longer in service. Not a drop of water. As for the bead of sweat on my upper lip and a suddenly increased heartbeat....

...Suddenly, I was a little boy again. The voice in my head admonished, "What happened, did you force it?"

Snap out of it man! But what to tell my wife. The truth of course. Tension returned to my shoulders. She's going to remind me how old the house is and that more things are going to break unless we move. That spot by the front door where years of runoff have left a hole that is like Niagara Falls when it rains heavily. Why just last week, I saw a sparrow going over it in a miniature barrel. The panel in the garage was falling out, forming a doggie door where no doggie was present.

Of course, I'd tell her. But it needed to be in the middle of a bunch of stuff. "Someone brought these gourmet cupcakes to work today.Another idiot who thinks the person turning left has the right of way cut me off on Club Drive on the way home.The Braves won this afternoon.I broke the knob in the shower.Where do you want to go for dinner?Did you make those earrings?"

"You broke the knob in the shower?"

"Yes." Fiddlesticks!

"How?"

"I was turning it off and I heard it snap."

"I keep telling you this house is getting old. More and more stuff is breaking and it's just going to get worse! Look at our stove? It only has one working eye!"

"That's why I call it Sammy Davis, Jr."

Deep sigh. "Darn it! This isn't funny."

Why didn't I pay more attention when Rachel gave me her puppy dog eyes when she wanted something? That would really come in handy right now.

Thankfully, my wife is the daughter of an engineer. She loves figuring out how things work. I just needed to give it time.

Me, I can't even walk into a Home Depot or Lowe's. The Jew in the hardware store alarms start blaring. Men wearing orange aprons rush to the front of the store waving screwdrivers in front of my face yelling "Flathead or Phillips?" as I tremble at the sight of other men with thick beards or plaid shorts or flannel shirts cackling with laughter at my nervousness while sale associates walk toward me like zombies in a Living Dead movie, wielding canisters filled with Amdro as I retreat out the front doors.

At least that's what it felt like.

I mean, my father burned his elbow once on a light bulb while painting a closet. I tried to help a coworker install an attic stairway once, but we put it in upside down. Real convenient for Santa Claus, not so much for everyone else!

A few days later, my wife informed me that the knob I broke is no longer manufactured. But I could see by the glint in her eye and the set of her jaw that she would not be denied.

Then she thought she found the part on the manufacturer's web site, but alas, when the mail order arrived, it did not fit.

Meanwhile, everyone is taking showers in my daughter's bathroom. Pink and purple hues lifted our spirits, but the plastic dolphins on the floor of the tub could become your arches' enemy if you stepped on them wrong.

Next I knew, my wife had traveled two counties over to try another part. The clerk wondered why she didn't just call a plumber. Why the nerve! Was he intimating to Rebecca that she should give up and we pay a couple hundred dollars to a professional? How dare he!

I came home a couple of days later to the proud declaration "We have a shower again! I fixed it."

"Awesome! Can I see it?"

"In a moment, but first tell me what I fixed it with. What's this a flathead or Phillips?"

Sore Point

2011-06-18T15:09:00.002-04:00

We were looking over the movie listings today, seeing when "Kung Fu Panda 2" or "Mr. Popper's Penguins" are playing or as Rachel calls it, "Peter Popper's Penguins."

Rachel is perusing the listings with me and asks, "What is Thor?"

Mindful that we returned from the beach two days ago, I replied. "My shoulders are thor if you press too hard on the thunburn!"

I got the always treasured, "That's funny, daddy!" for my efforts.

Thanksgiving Song

2010-11-25T09:59:00.005-05:00

With Apologies To Rodgers and Hammerstein's "Oklahoma"....This was in my head when I woke up!

Tryptophan coma,
Where the food sits happy in my gut!
Please another cup,
I can't stand up,
And I have no feeling in my butt!

Tryptophan coma,
Every year my turkey friend and I,
Nowhere near quite buff,
We both are stuffed,
And we both are pumped up in the thighs.

I know I must stop,
But I sigh,
As I grab me a fourth slice of pie!

And we just love Thanksgiving!
Need a nap Thanksgiving!
I'll just catch the second half of football,
Right now I'll shut my eyes.

T-U-R-K-E-Y Yea!
Tryptophan Coma!

Yow!

The Wit And Wisdom Of Rachel

2010-10-16T14:40:00.002-04:00

Some recent gems:

Self-defense lesson:
"Rachel, if someone bad tries to grab you, kick him in the wiener!"
"If he's a man."
Was the clarification really necessary?
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel, loudly at Chili's last night: "Remember when I had worms because I kept scratching my butt?" I almost expected a mass "Check, please!" (And no, she did not have worms)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
‎"Rachel, I'm so in love with you."
"Don't date me!"
"What?"
"I'm just kidding!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rachel's homework called for her to come up with words with the same double consonants at the end. Trying to help, I offered a hint. "Daddy wants to do this when someone is driving too slow in front of him..." Immediately, Rachel replies, "Yell." "Actually, the word I was looking for was 'pass'" I respond. "But your answer is probably more accurate."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
As Rachel bit into a piece of steak at the Japanese Hibachi Grill she proclaimed, "I"m a vegetarian, but I don't like vegetables!"

Silly Bandz

2010-09-23T12:17:00.003-04:00

Like most children her age, Rachel is mad for Silly Bandz. If you have somehow missed the craze, Silly Bandz are colorful rubber bands in the shape of various objects. Kids collect and trade them.

At any rate, Rachel informed me this aftenoon that Silly Bandz were around when I was young.

"I did not realize that" was my reply.

"Mommy says they were all round!" she stated simply.

How's That Again?

2010-09-23T03:46:00.001-04:00

As Rachel bit into a piece of steak at the Japanese Hibachi Grill she proclaimed, "I"m a vegetarian, but I don't like vegetables!"

Where There's A Will, Rachel Has Her Say

2010-09-22T23:14:00.005-04:00

Seven-year-olds and the elderly have one thing in common; they will say whatever crosses their minds. The elderly don't care what others think. The 7-year-olds don't know any better.

We had two recent reminders that Rachel hasn't developed an edit mechanism. Actually, her daddy often shares that trait, but that's another story for another time.

Exhibit A: There is a teacher at my wife's school named Sylvia. Sylvia has a very strong Boston accent. My wife sounds nothing like her. Yet, Rebecca has quite a talent for mimicry. She does a dead-on impersonation of Sylvia. Sylvia puts up with it, although she denies she sounds like Rebecca's version.

Sometime during the Jewish holidays, Rebecca and Rachel are walking down the hall and Sylvia is walking toward them. Rachel turns to her mother and says, "Mommy, do Sylvia! Do Sylvia!" Rebecca was a bit embarrassed.

Exhibit B: I just found this example. And it's a doozy. Rachel has the hots for a boy named Will, who is in her class. Will has sandy blond hair and there was a birthday party for him at school today.

Caroline is Rachel's BFF. She and Rachel have already discussed going to the University of Georgia together.

Rachel made Will a birthday card at home tonight. Rebecca and I plan to ask her to do some editing. Apparently, Will likes the University of Georgia as well, because Rachel drew a big G on the outside and inside of her card. I'm going to reprint the card as it is spelled, because it's just so cute.

On the outside it reads: "Will Happy Brthday"

You open it up and it says "Happy Brthday Yore a close friend to me." Then there is a drawing of a heart and "Rachel'. I love what follows. "Oh and ps caroine dos not Like you"

I guess you can diss your BFF when it comes to matters of the heart.

My Quotable Daughter

2010-09-15T00:06:00.003-04:00

Rachel has been on fire with the quotes this week.

Example One:

(Picking up Rachel at school)
"Hey, Rachel! Guess what daddy did today that he hasn't done in a long time?" (Mow the lawn)
"Take a shower?"
"NO! Do I smell bad?"
"No"
(Thanks for the paranoia, though)

Example two:

"Daddy, there's a boy in choir. I think he's in LOVE with me!"
"Why do you think that?"
"Whenever I look at him, he smiles."
"Do you know his name?"
"No, but he knows mine."
"How does he know your name? Did you get in trouble for talking?"
"Yes"
"Is he in your grade?"
"No, he's a fourth grader and HE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ME, except he's pale."
Apparently, looking like Rachel is the gold standard.
"So, you like choir?"
"Choir is great!....Cute boy?....Rachel is in!"

Keep in mind, Rachel is 7 1/2. Don't you just get the feeling the teenaged years are going to be a blast?

Bonding

2010-09-09T22:59:00.002-04:00

As evidenced by my last post, my little girl is growing up quickly. For one thing, she dislikes it when I call her "my little girl." I apologize when I'm around her---"Sorry, Rachel, but to me, you'll always be my little girl."

At any rate, mommy and daddy had a difficult time waking up this morning. Mommy, because she expended so much energy singing at two services last night. Daddy, because Rachel apparently unplugged his sleep apnea machine from the wall last night when she fell out of our bed. I put my mask on last night, but apparently fell asleep before realizing it wasn't on. I must have awakened myself all night, but not realized it.

Anyway, we attended the service for second through seventh graders. Rachel had her own chair, though for the most part, it wasn't necessary. Clad in a beautiful floor-length burgundy dress, he spent much of the service curled up in my arms.

She's not two anymore, so it's a risk of back pain for me to lift her, but G-d made her the perfect size to curl up into my arms. Usually, I wear my late father's old tie tack, which makes me feel like I'm bringing him along with me. No tie today though.

Instead, Rachel practiced buttoning and unbuttoning my shirt. She
sang gently in Hebrew and English. She ran to the Torah as it was paraded around the sanctuary and touched her handout to it, then kissed the handout. She danced a little, smiled a little and gave little waves to friends she recognized in the room. Yes, she got a little restless, but it was because her physical hunger had overtaken any spiritual hunger.

Afterwards, the three of us went to a friend's house for fellowship and food. Once daddy finished making about fourteen wrong turns, we found the place. Normally, we go to a restaurant, but this visit gave Rachel a chance for an impromptu playdate and her parents a chance to talk to actual adults.

Apparently, Rachel forgot about her hunger as she got to playing with everyone else. At one point, I looked outside and noticed she was the only child on the swingset. Gingerale in hand, I headed down the steps to check on her.

"There's nobody here to play with!" she said.

"Want to get on the swing?" I asked. "I'll push you."

She embraced the idea.

"Push me higher, daddy!" begged our little thrillseeker. I complied.

With each push, she went a little higher. Her delighted giggles hung in the air. I never saw her face, just her hair flying back and forth with each push.

I took a mental snapshot, knowing moments like these will be less common as she grows older and spends more time with her friends and less with her parents. In my mind, it was a magic moment when work and stress took a back seat to a dad and daughter becoming one. Just the creak of a swing, the feeling of a large hand in a smaller back, a joyous laugh. Just a father and his little girl.

They Grow Up Fast

2010-09-08T22:08:00.002-04:00

Not that I'm a fortuneteller or anything, but I have glimpsed the future and earlier than I would like.

Rosh Hashanah services were tonight. The three of us had dinner together. Then I was to take Rachel upstairs to an activity room, while I came down to the sanctuary and watched her mom sing with the choir.

We got to the activity room before the teacher had even arrived. Right after we walked in, a crisply dressed second grader in a blue suit walked in.

"Hi I.J." said Rachel, as she sat down demurely in a chair in her strapless dress and plastic lavender shoes.

I.J. walked toward her and said, "Nice shoes."

Smooth one, I.J.

The teacher still hadn't shown up. I stood there, looking at my daughter.

"You can go dad," she assured me.

Somehow, I knew the "please don't kiss me" was implied.

History Lesson

2010-06-20T01:26:00.002-04:00

We were in the car talking about the approaching Fourth of July.

"Rachel, our country is going to be 234 years old this year!"

"When did it become a country?"

"Back in 1776."

"That was before you were born!"

Your children will keep you humble.

If Lawyers Were Seven Years Old....

2010-06-16T06:11:00.003-04:00

It's amazing being the parent of a 7-year-old child. I like to call it "teenager light."

All of a sudden, she seems to know everything, despite the fact that her mom and dad have a wealth of experience they are more than willing to share. How does a child grow so cocksure that the way they see the world is the way it is? It's like living with a miniature lawyer. It makes you wonder what our judicial system would be like if attorneys were seven years old.

"Will the counselor please approach the bench? What seems to be the problem, counselor?"

"I can't decide who I want to be my boyfriend."

"Excuse me?"

"I can't decide who I want to be my boyfriend. Jacob likes me, but I don't really like him. Brandon shared his pirate booty with me in the lunchroom, but I think he likes Barbara too. I like Stephen, but I also like Mark....."

"What does this have to do with your client, counselor?"

"I want to marry Stephen....and I think he wants to marry me!"

"Well, good, now can we get back to the case at hand?....Counselor, what seems to be so funny?"

"I farted."

"Great, I'm very happy for you. Counselor, I'm warning you! Stop laughing!"

"I farted again."

"Fart again and I'll find you in contempt!"

"I don't know what that means...."

"Contempt means you're acting so badly I may have to put you in jail."

"You don't liiiikkkkkke me. Waah!"

"Of course I like you, counselor. But I have told you before there are certain ways I expect you to behave in my courtroom."

(She cries louder.)

"Counselor, if you don't stop crying, I am going to have to call for a recess!"

"Yea!"

"Yea?"

"I LOVE recess!"

"We might need a break anyway. Your shoes are on the wrong feet!"

"No, they're not!"

"Yes they are! Your left shoe is on your right foot and your right shoe is on your left foot!"

"Which one is my right again?"

(Judge points) "That one!"

"Thanks, Judge. Can you make me something to eat? I'm hungry!"

"Counselor, we just came back from lunch 20 minutes ago!"

"I didn't like the bread. I only like Sara Lee."

"Does this running commentary ever stop?"

"And they didn't have the cheese I like either. I only like cheese like they have at the Olive Garden. And I'll only eat turkey the first day we get it at the store....'

"I'm getting a headache! Everyone come back in an hour."

(Bangs gavel)

"All rise!

(Judge leaves courtroom)

"Awesome! It's 1:30. iCarly is on!"

Enjoying The Ride

2010-06-02T19:43:00.001-04:00

Daddy Digs Into A Turkey Leg

2010-06-02T19:41:00.001-04:00

Rachel The Fairy At The Renaissance Festival

2010-06-02T19:36:00.001-04:00

That's My Daughter!

2010-05-26T01:19:00.002-04:00

We were at a restaurant the other day and on the kids' activity sheet there was a spot for children to write "I love my dad because...."

I figured Rachel would write "he's funny" or "he makes me laugh." Imagine my delight when she wrote "he takes good care of me."

I wanted to hug her so tight!

Rachel's Bad Dream

2010-05-05T07:45:00.004-04:00

I'm not home that often when Rachel gets up for school. So I went in this morning to get her awake. I offered my arms to lift her and didn't want to let go. She was toasty warm from being under the blanket.

"Daddy, I had a bad dream and you were in it, but I don't want to tell you about it."

Obviously, I was now more than curious. Still, she made it clear she didn't want to share.

"Well...was I alive?" I stammered.

She hesitated. "Yes. Pretty much."

"Well, that's good!", I reassured her. "Daddy likes being alive!"

"Kowalski (her imaginary friend and Penguin from Madagascar) and I had the same bad dream."

"It's okay," I replied. "I'm fine. I'm right here."

"I dreamed you got shrunk, placed inside an M & M and somebody ate you."

Wasn't expecting that.

"Well, everything's okay," I comforted her with a hug. "Let's get dressed for school."

She's now on her way with mom.

Just to be safe, I think I'll sleep with one eye open for a while.

Someone Likes Frosting!

2010-04-07T11:12:00.002-04:00

Our Baby Is Growing Up

2010-03-28T14:37:00.001-04:00

This is my newest picture of my adorable daughter. They read "Bats In The Library" at school and each child had to make a bug out of food. This is Rachel showing off her creation. Is it any wonder I love her so much? What a cutie!

Disciplinary Chuckle (Once I Was Alone Again)

2010-02-03T14:52:00.001-05:00

Rachel got in major trouble today for scratching a quarter on the arm of an antique chair "to see if it would write."

As the smoke began to clear and the tears turned to heaving sniffles, I told her, "I can't remember ever doing anything like that when I was seven! Of course, it was a long time ago!"

(Opportunity for teaching moment.)

"How many years ago was that, Rachel?"

Rachel: "I can't count that high!"

See What Happens When You Put Down Your Tiara For One Minute!

2010-01-11T19:56:00.001-05:00

Happy 7th Birthday, Rachel!

2010-01-11T19:50:00.001-05:00

Thanks, Little Girl!

2009-12-25T20:22:00.000-05:00

Rachel liked the birthday card she got Rebecca because it had "doggies on it."

It said, "On your birthday, hope you live some, eat some, dance some"...and then when you opened it up, it read, "and get some."

The clerk asked Rachel if that's the card she wanted and was assured it most certainly was. LOL!

Soy Sauce

2009-12-13T14:20:00.002-05:00

Scene from our life....

Daddy: "Rachel, what is this? There is something very sticky in the back of your hair."

Rachel (in a matter-of-fact tone): "Soy sauce."

Daddy: "Of course. Soy sauce. You saving it for if you get hungry later?"

And cut!

Yet Another Reason I Love My Kid!

2009-12-13T14:17:00.003-05:00

We gave Rachel her big Hanukkah present last night. The American Girl Rebecca Rubin doll. Rachel embraced the doll immediately. She then removed the doll's clothing, took out her doctor's kit and innoculated Rebecca Rubin against the flu.

I Met The Tooth Fairy!

2009-12-13T11:48:00.003-05:00

There was a strange noise on the baby monitor in Rachel's room (we have one to hear if she might be having a seizure.) I sprang from my bed and as I entered the room, I noted a luminescent flitting of some sort.

"Ya got me," she responded in a high-pitched voice.

I rubbed my sleep-encrusted eyes and tried to refocus on what my mind couldn't fathom. But the evidence was clearly in front of me.

"Yeah, ya got me!" repeated the tooth fairy.

"Wow, you do exist!" I exclaimed. "Let's keep it down, we don't want to wake up Rachel."

"Oh, don't worry about her," the tooth fairy said. "I sprinkled fairy dust in her eyes. She'll be out at least a couple of hours."

Dumbfounded, I repeated, "You really do exist."

"Sure I do," the fairy said. "It's just been traditional to let moms and dads take the credit, because no kid past a certain age wants to risk being teased that they believe in me. It's not like the old days before Nintendo and cable tv when kids believed anything. You know, back when you were a kid."

Ignoring the fact that the tooth fairy just called me old, I asked how she allowed herself to be caught.

"It's that canopy," she said, motioning to the pink shroud over Rachel's bed. My wing got caught and I dropped the darn tooth and it fell among the 46 stuffed animals piled up in front of the bed. We used to have fireflies travel with us to provide extra light, but since the recession, they were outsourced to South Korea and we've had to travel solo. Anyway, her baby tooth is so small, I couldn't find it and then my other wing got caught on that deflated balloon over there that has to be at least eight-months-old and that's when you heard the noise and came in here."

"That's a lot to take in," I replied. "I can't help but notice you haven't left her any money yet."

"I know. I was just going to take the tooth with me to the Tooth Fairy Commodities Exchange to see whether I might be able to get a good deal on it."

"The what?" I asked.

"The Tooth Fairy Commodity Exchange," she repeated. "Again, it started in the recession. With times so tight, a bunch of Gnomes, Fairies and Pixies got laid off. The Gnomes, they're kinda shady. A bunch of them started these fly-by-night operations aimed at putting us legit fairies out of business. So we started our own Commodity Exchange to fend 'em off. More bang for your buck teeth, so to speak."

"Go on" I said.

"Say there is a shortage of front teeth in Shanghai. Broker fairies will give us more money if we supply teeth in bulk. So we trade'em. The broker fairies take a 25 percent commission fee, we give you fifty percent and keep the remaining 25 percent to put a squeeze on the gnomes."

"Can I get in on this?" I asked.

"Oh no!" admonished the tooth fairy. "It's a privately-held exchange. But if it ever goes public, I'll make sure to let you know!"

"Great!" I replied. "Thanks! Any investment advice in the event that happens?"

"Sure!" she said. "Buy cuspid!"

Monday With Rachel

2009-11-30T22:20:00.002-05:00

I went to Rachel's school today to help her paint a Hanukkiah (that's also known as a menorah.)

I was definitely outside my comfort zone. After all, it's my wife who is the art teacher. I don't consider myself particularly close to gifted in art. It's verbally where I stand out. Knowing this, my wife had flipped over minature pots on a long piece of wood, hot glued them and placed metal nuts on top of them to keep the candles in place. All I had to do was paint.

She then put the Hanukkiah in a plastic box, supplied two paintbrushes and two containers of glitter paint and sent me on my way. The kids were not back from lunch when I entered Rachel's classroom. When she entered, she saw me, her face broke into a wide grin and she jumped up and down excitedly exclaiming, "Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy" repeatedly.

I was equally happy and after lifting her up to get her sneakers rearranged so her left shoe was again on her left foot and her right shoe on her right, we settled in to the project at hand.

Rachel described the design she envisioned and shared the duties with me until she saw another child was using Legos in their design. At that point, I was abandoned, a latchkey parent. I did the best I could and I suppose it's okay. The important thing is that Rachel knows daddy isn't good at everything, but he wanted to spend time with her anyway.

45 minutes later, it was time for the students in Ms. McGraw's class to go to Hebrew. Rachel clung to me like there was no tomorrow...an arm, a leg. It was almost like I had to take a step and drag her with me. Then she asked her Hebrew teacher if I could stay. She said I could if I wanted. I really needed to get a few things done between then and the end of school 3 1/2 hours later, so I said, "That's okay."

Rachel said, "Well, at least see where I sit!" She sits on a round rug on the Hebrew letter tet.

I managed to wriggle free and stopped by the school library for a book fair. I bought Rachel four books and started walking to my car. The fire drill bells sounded. As I'm walking to my car, I hear, "Daddy!" in a familiar voice. It's Rachel. "Daddy, the fire alarm went off while I was washing up in the bathroom.

I look down. Her right arm is covered with soap. "I didn't have time to wash it off," she tells me. She's holding on to me again. "Just a second," I say. "Let go; I'll come back." I retrieve a kleenex from the front seat and wipe her arm. "Thanks dad" she says.

The girl behind her asks. "Do you think this is a real fire?" "Rachel's reply is something akin to "Duh, there would be fire trucks here!"

My mind envisions the teenaged years still ahead of us. It then quickly erases the thought for something more pleasant.

The drill over and the children heading back inside, once again having refused entreaties to accompany my daughter, I pause for a moment.

I need to remember this when less pleasant thoughts overwhelm me.

1) I have a daughter. She is here because her father and mother love each other. She's already told us she wants to be a mommy herself...and a hockey player (this week.)

2) She really, really loves me. Last week, she fell asleep holding my hand. That's better than any drug.

3) I really, really love her. She exasperates the stew out of me sometime, but I'm already proud of who she is. I admire her confidence, grudgingly salute her feistiness and marvel at her intelligence as she figures out new words, how to tell time and how to express herself.

4) That look. That smile on her face when she sees me. Her wanting to hold on for dear life. Her giggle when I tickle her. The look of pride when she figures out a new word. Seeing the world through her eyes. Celebrating the ups. Helping her through the downs.

5) The smile on my face when I see her. Wanting to hold on for dear life. Always thankful for the opportunity to be her dad.

True That!

2009-11-30T22:19:00.002-05:00

Daddy: "Rachel, you know I haven't always had this goatee...."
Rachel: "I know, you didn't have it when you were a kid!"

Rebecca Gets To Field One

2009-10-20T22:35:00.000-04:00

The perils of listening to classic rock on the way to and from school: "Mommy, what does he mean 'girls will be boys and boys will be girls?'"

Welcome To The Tribe!

2009-09-17T23:59:00.001-04:00

Rachel informed her teacher today that her imaginary friends now have Hebrew names. Those imaginary friends are Kowalski, Skipper, Rico and Private, the Penguins of Madagascar. Who knew Kowalski was Jewish?

Hello?

2009-09-16T22:03:00.001-04:00

The phone rings in the bedroom tonight. Rebecca asks if I can get it. I hear a child's voice.

"Hello?" I respond. No answer.

"Hellooo?" I repeat, a bit more agitated.

"Aunt Patty called" the child says.

"Aunt Patty? Rachel, is this you?" It was. She had called me from my cell phone two rooms away.

"Just now she called me?"

"Yeah"

"On my cell phone? Why didn't you come tell me?"

"I was afraid the computer would turn itself off while I was playing my game!"

Is it any wonder why American kids are fat? I didn't even know Rachel knew how to use a cell phone. Now she's calling me from two rooms away!

"Why didn't you get me?" I asked.

"I didn't want to bother you," she replied.

Age Is Relative

2009-08-25T22:20:00.002-04:00

Rachel's first grade class will be visiting the Jewish Home for the Aged three times this year and even have a dance with the residents.

Before their first visit though, the teacher asked all the kids to write down what age they consider old. One child wrote down 26. When questioned whether that is what he meant, he insisted it was.

The assistant teacher replied, "That's how old I am, 26!"

Ever the conciliator, Rachel rushed across the room to the assistant teacher and reassured her, "And you look really good for your age!"

Jackpot!

2009-08-25T21:42:00.002-04:00

The Mega Millions jackpot tonight is $252 million. At this point, even I play the lottery!

So while Rachel and I were at Kroger late this afternoon, I paid two dollars for a pair of Quick Pick tickets. What I didn't know was that my wife had shared with Rachel that she doesn't believe in playing the lottery.

As I walked away from customer service with what I hoped would be the winning tickets, Rachel proclaimed loudly and with much drama, "Daddddddy, I'm assshhhaammmed of you!"

She informed me of what mommy had said. I explained that I had not been privy to this conversation and that it wasn't every day the jackpot was $252 million.

Rachel listened intently and then said, "That would pay for two more years of my school! Maybe even all the way to EIGHTH GRAAAADE!"

They are so cute at this age!

The Human Head Weighs How Many Pounds?

2009-08-24T22:29:00.001-04:00

I think I just witnessed Jerry McGuire with Rachel playing Jonathan Lipnicki. We're at the outdoor playground at McDonald's and I hear her tell a boy she just met, "Did you know without mucus your stomach would just eat itself?" WHAT?

First Day of School

2009-08-17T13:03:00.000-04:00

Mooooooo!

2009-07-19T16:06:00.001-04:00

If you dressed like a Cow for Cow Appreciation Day, you got a free combo meal at Chick-fil-A. Rebecca and Rachel did.

Observations

2009-06-18T08:11:00.003-04:00

Is someone paying my child a stipend for each word she says? If so, I'd like to retire now.

Nothing says more about the decline of western civilization than these four words, "Octomom Gets Reality Show."

Yeah, I admit it. I bought the ole Sugar and Spice and everything nice thing. How come no one wrote that girls find farting in the tub as funny as boys do?

If you really want to tick off a child, call their bluff when they're crying and don't really mean it. Making them laugh when they're giving you a "show cry" is almost as fun as watching them think, "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be selling the fact that I'm upset!"

Hey Rachel, you missed a rain puddle!

I'm glad we've made it past the Little People cds. It's much more gratifying to hear your six-year-old daughter belting out Living On A Prayer with her mom in the back seat.

On the other hand, I have glimpsed a future teenager's attitude and fear body armor may be necessary.

Very little beats your child reading to you.

Why can't we go potty BEFORE the entree arrives?

Apparently, watching baseball is boring after 30 minutes, but seeing the same SpongeBobfor the 15th time is always fresh.

55 pounds of girl hurts when it lands on your head.

Rachel and/or Rebecca's smiles are a bigger high than any amphetamine.

I miss Charm Pops!

If men were meant to dress Polly Pockets, our fingers would be smaller.

I never get tired of my child telling me, "Daddy, you're hilarious!"

Stevie Nicks turned 61 the other day. A small part of me died.

Heredity rocks when you learn your child has developed a love for 80's music.

You realize your child is active when hummingbirds flit by your ear and whisper, "Man, how do you keep up with that?"

Do you think somewhere there is a sixth guy who looks at the success of the Five Guys franchise and thinks, "Man, I could have been in on that?"

Why do I always crave Chick-fil-A most on Sunday, when it is closed?

How old is a child before he or she ceases being afraid of automatic flushing toilets?

I like being an adult. "Big and Tall" clothes sound so much nicer than "husky."

I'd like to think there would be no more war if opposing factions would just look at each other's children asleep.

Rachel Graduates from Kindergarten

2009-06-16T23:23:00.005-04:00

Nothing caps off a graduation ceremony like bubbles!

Rachel hoists her diploma for all to see.

Going To DQ

2009-06-16T23:00:00.004-04:00

As Rachel has gotten older, we have taken more trips to the DQ. No, not Dairy Queen. Drama Queen.

Just about any conversation has the potential to turn into a Shakespearian Tragedy...or perhaps a comedy where our daughter plays the fool, taking acting goofy to new levels as we urge her to stop.

Recently, she was giving us all sorts of attitude at a Japanese restaurant where she and Rebecca go every Saturday night. Unable to keep her in line, I decided to hit her where I knew it hurt. I told her that her mom and I were going to order a bowl of red bean ice cream apiece and there would be none for her.

Now I had her attention. Her lip began to quiver. Her eyes grew moist. Her nostrils began to flare in and out. No dessert? Quelle Outrage! The tears began to appear.

"Can't I give her just a bite or two?" Rebecca asked.

"No!" I snarled. "You need to be strong too."

Then, Rachel unleased a statement that foreshadows someone who will excel at inducing guilt in the future.

"When you guys go on vacation, why don't you just leave me at home in the closet!" she snapped.

Wow! Good stuff! I put my hand in front of my face as I tried to stifle a smile, while simultaneously admiring it.

The Jewish Mothers of the next generation will be in good hands.

She Did What?

2009-05-17T09:57:00.004-04:00

As any parent will readily tell you, some days your child seems to test your patience more than others. And sometimes, it's an action or behavior you just can't find leafing through a child-rearing manual.

Saturday was one of those days. I had grabbed a two-hour nap after working the overnight shift and going to lunch with Rachel and Rebecca. The only reason I was up was to see whether Rachel's namesake, Rachel Alexandra was going to win the Preakness.

I walked bleary-eyed into the living room and found Rachel sitting on what I assumed was the couch, but was now covered with stuffed animals, a child's computer and said child, who was wearing something strange around her neck....something large and strange, but surely, it couldn't be what I thought it was!

It was.

When you're teaching your child to use the big toilet, you put a soft booster seat onto the ceramic so they are comfortable. Also, you also don't want them to fall in.

Now that she had successfully mastered the toilet for more than three years, Rachel had decided to utilize the soft booster seat as an accessory. It had gone from cheek to chic.

"Rachel, that's not what I think it is, is it?" I asked.

She smiled and giggled. No words were necessary.

"Rachel, take that off!" I said with urgency.

She tugged at it. "It won't come off!" she said.

"Try it again!" I requested.

"It's stuck!" she said.

Now I faced a dilemma. I needed to remove the seat, but I remembered my wife had trained me to leave the seat down. What should I do? After quick deliberation, I decided my child's safety took precedence.

Alternately, Rachel tugged and I tugged. I really don't want to call the fire department for the Jaws of Life, I thought to myself. And I was afraid if I called police, they'd arrest Rachel for potty possession.

Rachel was getting a bit more frantic, possibly because daddy was getting more frantic. "I'm trying!" she repeated.

Finally, before we had to coat her head and shoulders with Vaseline, Rachel relieved herself of the seat. There were tears. Rachel hurt. I shed tears of joy because I wouldn't have to take her to the emergency room with a toilet seat draped around her head.

I never checked, but I don't think my medical insurance covers that.

Like Father.....

2009-05-16T19:51:00.001-04:00

I picked up Rachel at carpool the other day and the first thing out of her mouth, and mind you, she is 6-years-old, was "Daddy, I want to tell you something, but it might be inappropriate...."

And the legacy continues another generation!

Close, But No "Guitar!"

2009-05-07T21:28:00.002-04:00

I am a big believer in helping Rachel with her homework, but not doing her homework. One of tonight's assignments was to find seven hidden words in the word Jerusalem.

So I try to lead Rachel: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you is The Golden....."

And Rachel replies enthusiastically, "Calf!"

Then I see the word "jam."

So I tell Rachel, "Some people like peanut butter and jelly, others prefer peanut butter and..."

"Ham!" Rachel shouts.

Her Reform Jewish Day School must be so proud!

My Girl

2009-04-22T23:21:00.000-04:00

Shoshi and Rachel

2009-04-22T23:13:00.001-04:00

Taken during a service at The Temple
(Courtesy: Josh Herman)

Fighting Words

2009-04-22T23:05:00.003-04:00

Rachel spotted some plastic swords in one of the aisles at Kroger today and challenged me to a duel. She explained that she still loved me, but the rules dictated she had to say something bad to me as we fought.

"Take that, you old coot!" she exclaimed.

I still have no idea where she heard that one!

Batter Up or Battered Up?

2009-04-22T22:27:00.002-04:00

The weather has turned nicer and Rachel and I are spending more time playing outside. Sometimes we kick around a soccer ball in the cul de sac. Other times we play baseball.

Rachel has a plastic ball and an adorable little Hello Kitty bat. If I swing the bat hard enough, I can feel it bending. It almost feels as if there is a tube of cardboard inside.

When we first started practicing, Rachel insisted on swinging righthanded. At some point, I persuaded her to try lefthanded, since she writes with her left hand. She seemed to have a more natural swing from that side and lately, she's made solid contact more often.

Of course, being six, you can only swing so long before you get bored. Rachel has taken a liking to standing on her mini-trampoline and using it as home plate. It took me a little while to adjust and throw my underhand pitches a little higher to adapt to her new strike zone.

So we're out there playing the other day and I'm thinking, "What creative idea can I come up with to make this fun?"

Then the answer became clear. Spread around the tree in our front yard were fossilized Dunkin Donuts Munchkins my wife had tossed from her car. She had thrown them out in the grass for the birds. I'm not sure what the birds were supposed to do with them. They had hardened to the point of becoming round doorstops that might be painful to the average beak.

And I'm thinking, "Well,they are round. They are smaller than the baseball and it might be a good test of her eye/hand coordination." So I put down the plastic baseball and started chunkin' Munchkins.

To my amazement, Rachel started making solid contact. Maybe she just sees food better. If so, she comes by it naturally. The Munchkins were so hard, they didn't even fly apart when they were swatted.

I knew enough that I didn't intend to find out how much they hurt if one flew right at me. I could see that a Munchkin flew a long way when the bat hit it just right. As a friend of mine said when I told her about it a day or two later, "Yeah, the Wicked Witch of the West pretty much thought the same thing!"

Oh, That Right Leg!

2009-04-21T22:29:00.003-04:00

I admit it. I have a thing for Entertainment Weekly. The writing is creative and there is a certain degree of snarkiness at times. I am myself creative and occasionally snarky. It is a good match.

Unfortunately, it recently caused a problem. I was reading the magazine as I walked into a Chili's and let go of the door as I walked in. The door was heavy and Rachel was unable to hold it. She fell to the ground and skinned her knee slightly.

Rachel was dressed prettily in a summer dress and black patent leather shoes and for some reason, that made me feel even worse. I ushered her to a metal bench outside and rubbed her back and embraced her until the tears dried up.

After we were seated, we asked for a bandaid. They brought a pretty blue one and it was affixed to the afflicted knee.

Right about the time I finished my lunch, Rachel whispered that she needed to go to the bathroom and asked that I accompany her. I slid off the wooden bench onto the tile floor.

With what seemed to be a herculean effort, Rachel moved glacially toward the end of the bench. She slid onto the floor, right leg rigidly beneath her as she favored her left side and limped toward the bathroom.

I allowed her to get in front of me as I raised my right fist to suppress the smile on my face. She was limping on the wrong leg! And the Oscar goes to.....

Tinkerbell

2009-04-10T07:08:00.002-04:00

Imagine my delight to accompany my daughter to a "Princess" themed birthday party last weekend. Actually, it made sense. The girl turning six was named Ariel. She's an absolute angel. When Rachel gets upset in school, Ariel rubs her back until she feels better. So we were going to this party. And since mom was teaching Sunday school, dad was delivering Rachel.

It was a fun party. I enjoyed hanging with the adults and there were yummy fresh veggies and watermelon. I was hungry, since I had just gotten off work, so it was much appreciated.

At some point, word began to spread like wildfire that Tinkerbell was on her way. There was high-pitched screaming. Somewhere, dogs turned in unison, trying to figure out who was calling them and why. Little girls and the two boys who were there stood vigilant by the second floor window, waiting for the first glimpse.

And then, the big moment! Tinkerbell drove up in a PT Cruiser. The kids were still excited, but they had questions. Why hadn't Tinkerbell arrived via air?
Tinkerbell explained she flew into town and then transferred into a car. Apparently, fairies don't come equipped with GPS.

Then out of nowhere, my own daughter, who had never shared this information with us, exclaimed, "The tooth fairy's not real. It's your parents!" The rest of the girls and boys straightened her out and Rachel dropped the subject. Thankfully.

Tinkerbell began making balloon animals. Kids jostled to get in front of one another. They asked what it was like to be a fairy. Rachel apparently was pondering being a fairy as a career choice when she asked Tinkerbell, "How many parties do you go to a day, Tinkerbell?"

A bit later, Tinkerbell was painting faces and hands and some child blurted, "Tinkerbell, I hear your name is really Julie!" All these kids needed were cameras. It was like they were pint-sized paparazzi working for TMZ.com. Tinkerbell managed to divert the conversation by insisting she was Tinkerbell, period. Like Madonna and Cher, some gals need just one name.

Tinkerbell left after an hour and a half, a hard-earned eighty dollars tucked away inside her purse inside her PT Cruiser, no doubt muttering, "I gotta find another line of work!"

Passover

2009-04-10T06:45:00.002-04:00

We are now in the second day of Passover and you can pretty much tell where I've sat at work by the matzah crumbs on the carpet. It's impossible to eat matzah without making a mess.

I went to a couple of seders this year, one at Rachel's school and the other at the house of friends. Rachel had three passages to read at the classroom service and she was nervous about them, though I can tell you proudly that she nailed them and was one of the best readers in the class, in my not so humble opinion.

There was one section of the service where two girls placed a doll in a basket, representing Moses, onto a blue cloth held by the boys and girls in the class. It was to symbolize his mother casting him along the water to avoid the plague of the first-born. Of course, boys will be boys. The boys in the class immediately tried to capsize Moses, while the girls, including my daughter, being nurturing, did not find it funny at all.

There was one chuckle for me. As the Israelites were urged to teach the ways of
G-D "dilgently upon their children", I heard my daughter say "diligently UNTIL your children." Once you have kids, it's apparently all out the window.

All in all, it was enjoyable although Rachel's music teacher didn't know the hand gestures Rachel and Rebecca put together in the rewrite of the Kingsmen's "Louie Louie" to fit the Passover story. "Pharaoh, Pharaoh....oh oh--let my people go now....."

Two nights later, we went to our friends' Bob and Francesca's house for seder. Rachel did us proud. When asked what Passover was about, she answered correctly and when it came time for the Four Questions, she sang proudly. It touches my heart to see how my child is learning.

After the traditional meal, the children are to hunt for a hidden matzah and since Rachel was the only child present, it was pretty much a certainty she'd find it and claim her prizes, which she did. Francesca's mother gave her a Fancy Nancy book with stickers and Francesca and Bob gave her what looked like some yummy chocolate.

Rachel loves chocolate and comes by her addiction naturally. She peeled off the wrapper and was told nopt to eat it all at once. Then to my amazement, she continued to break off pieces of chocolate, distributing them to the other eight people around the table, until all the chocolate was gone.

She then retired to the family room to watch the Noggin Children's Channel on Satellite Channel 64. I told her that we didn't have that channel at home. She insisted we did, because channel 64 on our cable tv system is Nickelodeon. I wasn't about to get into a discussion of cable versus satellite tv, so taking a cue from Pharoah, I let it go.

Lost In Translation

2009-04-10T06:37:00.002-04:00

Rachel has been telling us she wants a sibling. Unfortunately, because I waited so long to pop the question to her mother, that probably won't happen, unless we go the adoption route.

Rebecca has also talked to her about it, but apparently, something got lost in the translation. Rebecca told Rachel that in order for there to be even a chance for a brother or sister, she needs to let her parents get more sleep.

I was completely lost the other day when Rachel told me that we "need to let mommy sleep, so she can wake up with a baby and maybe this time, she'll hurt." (Rebecca has told Rachel that she had an easy pregnancy with her.)

Apparently, my assistance isn't needed this time!

The Feeling Is Mutual

2009-04-03T22:55:00.002-04:00

Rachel just finished writing a book "My First Year in Kindergarten." I think the biggest surprise was at the end. She wrote "I like candy. I love mom and dad." Truth be told, I was relieved the seeding didn't go the other way.

On The Other Hand.....

2009-04-03T22:49:00.001-04:00

...I was reclining on the couch the other day, exhibiting truly bad posture, when Rachel pointed to my stomach and said, "Dad, you're kind of fat."

I can't tell you how hurt and po'ed I was. It was actually one of those, "Rebecca! You need to watch your daughter for a while" moments.

The Rhythm Is Going To Get You

2009-03-19T13:10:00.003-04:00

Driving is a lot more fun these days than it was when Rachel was younger. We don't listen to the Little People ad nauseam as we did when she was younger.

The Wiggles are still in the rotation, though not as heavily as they were previously. They still calm Rachel when she needs it. You can tell by Rachel's relaxation technique that has existed since she was in the womb. She thrusts her third and fourth fingers into her mouth and sucks on them, so much so that she may wind up with a permanent scar on one of them. Think Maggie Simpson doing "Hook 'em Horns" in her mouth at age six.

Rachel's musical tastes have evolved. She still likes kids' music and the Barenaked Ladies' Snacktime is popular with all three members of the family. Thanks to the Davis Academy and Breman Religious School and mommy singing in choirs, Rachel sings a lot of songs in Hebrew as well.

But what excites mommy and daddy the most is that Rachel has developed a taste for classic rock. For some reason, there is a bit of a country twang when she belts it out. Still, we couldn't be more delighted.

I think one of the first songs she repeated was the triumphant chorus of Dream On, when Steven Tyler starts to screech at the end. I think Queen was next. What makes Queen even more entertaining is that Rebecca devised elaborate pantomimes of the lyrics that always make daddy's sides hurt from laughing so hard.

Now Rachel has discovered Steve Miller, although she has been cautioned not to sing I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm a midnight toker at school.

When I was in college, my girlfriend used to work in the student center. I'd go visit her and play Don't Bring Me Down by Electric Light Orchestra in the jukebox.

Well, imagine my surprise when I loaded an ELO cd in the car ysterday and heard a little voice singing it back to me. Isn't heredity grand?

Rachel and I stopped by Best Buy yesterday and she insisted on trying Guitar Hero. That's when I learned she had added Pat Benatar's You're a heartbreaker, dream maker to her repertoire. I think I purposely didn't listen to hear if she said love taker as well. She really had a twang when she laid on the emotion there.

Incidentally, I think I may be the most uncoordinated drummer ever to play Guitar Hero. Even though the band members on the screen were cartoons, I felt intense guilt when they stopped playing and looked at the drummer as if to say, "What the hell is wrong with you? Elaine on Seinfeld had more rhythm when she danced!"

And when Rachel and I played together? I might as well be the proverbial white guy on the dance floor thrusting his neck in and out to the music while gouging a hole in my chin with my front teeth that are sticking out.

Nope, daddy better stick to Madden and Tiger Woods.

In fact, I felt so chastened that I left Best Buy sucking on my third and fourth fingers. I think one of them may scar permanently.

Truth is Stranger Than Fiction

2009-03-18T01:08:00.003-04:00

I'm still chuckling over something I overheard tonight. It was kids eat free/crafts night at our nearby Chick-fil-A and Rachel was assisting her younger friend Caleb as he placed stickers on a tree.

Some of the stickers he chose didn't really fit where he placed them and in one case, the sticker was upside-down.

Rachel was trying to wrap her brain around it all and asked Caleb, "Is this real or non-fiction?"

SpongeBob Questions

2009-03-18T00:50:00.004-04:00

Last week, Rebecca dropped Rachel by my office. I was to keep her entertained for about 45 minutes before dropping her off for a playdate.

I got Rachel settled in at my desk and logged on to PBSkids.com. The newsroom was quite relaxed, because both the news director and managing editor were out of town.

Reporter Jerry Carnes and photojournalist John Samuels were among the people who stop by to see Rachel. Jerry has three children much older than Rachel and started talking to her about Spongebob Squarepants. It seems that Jerry has done a lot of thinking.

He asked Rachel why there is a beach in Bikini Bottom when they are already underwater. He mentioned the fact that SpongeBob can't swim, but he is a sponge and could float anyway. He pondered why Larry the Lobster was the lifeguard and why a lifeguard was even needed underwater. And why does Spongebob have two teeth?

"Don't forget the squirrel," I added.

"Yeah, what is the deal with the squirrel?" Jerry asked. "What is SHE doing down there?"

Rachel looked at Jerry as if to say, "Who are you and why are you asking me these questions?"

Not long after that, we got in my car to drive over to the Temple, where Rachel was to be picked up for her playdate.

As we buckled our seatbelts, I said, "You know, Rachel, Jerry brought up a lot of good questions."

To which Rachel replied in an almost exasperated tone, "Dad! It's a cartoon. IT'S NOT REAL!"

No More Tears

2009-02-27T15:20:00.004-05:00

I had to pick up Rachel from the school nurse's office today. She went in for a cough drop and had a 100.5 degree fever.

Somehow, I managed to line up a doctor's appointment on the way home. Rachel started crying, fearing she would get a shot.

Well, as it turns out, she didn't. But many tears were shed as she had her throat swabbed for the first time. There was a sudden stunned look on her face and she looked at me as if to say, "How can you allow this to happen?" before she burst into tears.

When the doctor came in, the crying resumed. Doctor Cooper assured Rachel he wouldn't hurt her; he said he leaves that to the nurses. He looked at her throat, in her ears and checked her breathing.

Diagnosis: Croupy cough. Remedy: Liquid steroid with a possible side effect of making her hyper. Daddy's note: Oh, great!

As a reward, I took her to Olive Garden. She cleaned her plate of spaghetti, so she earned a kids' chocolate gelato. As the woman at the next table left, she eyed the dessert and expressed wishes she could have one.

We told her Rachel had just finished at the doctor, but she didn't have to get a shot."

"Yeah, I cried for nothing!" she related.

Setting The Record Straight

2009-02-27T15:17:00.004-05:00

I don't know what made me do this, but I told Rachel today that I was the first person ever to fart.
"That move originated with me!" I trumpeted.
"No, it didn't!" Rachel countered. "Adam and Eve were first."

CSI Vomit

2009-02-20T00:11:00.004-05:00

Parenthood changes you in so many ways, some of which you never imagined.

Take vomit for instance. Whether single or married, you don't generally give vomit much thought. It all changes when the little person who identifies you as 'mommy" or "daddy" goes all Linda Blair on you.

Our latest "moment of spew" occured at our favorite Mexican restaurant. Rachel had ordered her special, white chicken, no spices with tortilla provided separately. Our little Sally from "When Harry Met Sally."

We had arrived at the restaurant perilously close to Rachel's bedtime. She devoured her tortilla and drank her milk, but fell asleep before making any dent in her chicken.

Occasionally, I gave her a loving glance. Her glasses were framed by her gorgeous hair. Her stylish pink cowboy boots were tucked under her against the end of our wooden booth.

After about 20 minutes, she awakened and slammed the back of her head hard against the wood. Rachel usually cries at a hangnail, but strangely, she didn't cry here. She then shivered several times. Something seemed off. I held up three fingers and asked her how many she saw. She didn't respond. She just stared. Then, all of a sudden, she threw up, twice. And she still looked "out of it."

Rebecca and I did what all parents do. We started examining the evidence. "What's that? Well, that looks like...."

Rachel told us her head hurt really bad. We were very concerned and discussed taking her to a clinic or hospital. However, by the time we got to the car, Rachel was able to tell me how many fingers I was holding up, when her birthday was and answered other questions appropriately.

It wasn't until two hours later that Rebecca figured out what made Rachel sick. She had flattened her tortilla out on the table, rather than her plate. Apparently, remnants of the cleaning solution the restaurant used to wipe off the table seeped into the tortilla. When Rachel ate it, she got sick.

You never know where danger may lurk.

Rachel Loves Me

2009-02-17T12:36:00.004-05:00

I was away from Rebecca and Rachel for the first time in my seven years of marriage last week. I was a groomsman in a wedding in Portland, Oregon. I had a good time and love how fresh the air smelled. I was gone Wednesday through Sunday.

The next day was Presidents Day. Rachel had no school. We made up for lost time. We played baseball in the front yard....with Rachel standing on her mini-trampoline. We blew soap bubbles. We drew chalk on the pavement. We played tag. We cleaned the gutter next to our driveway, so rain runoff would not be impeded by dirt and leaves. She found an earthworm, which she made her pet, wormy. We rode our bike and picked up imaginary passengers. She was clearly happy to be back with her daddy and the feeling was mutual.

Later in the day, she told me she loved me in a unique way. She said, "I like to be on you, with you or know where you are.'

Awwwwww!

Rebecca's Handiwork

2009-02-16T23:23:00.004-05:00

And Rebecca painstakingly sewed 100 buttons into this design. Safe to say she is a lot more patient than her husband!

Rachel at 100

2009-02-16T23:10:00.004-05:00

For the 100th day of school, Rachel and her classmates were to dress up as if they were 100 years old. Rachel looks pretty good for a centenarian!

6-Year-Old Perspective

2009-01-28T22:42:00.003-05:00

I was trying to put five dollars of gas in my car the other day when the pump instructed me to go to the cashier. Not wanting to leave Rachel in the back seat, I asked her to come with me.

It was one of those freestanding cashier windows, where the employee pushes out a tray to return your credit card or change. The clerk asked for our phone number. I provided the area code before Rachel blurted out the rest of the phone number.

As Rachel examined the window she noticed the silver tray where the change is returned. She then asked the clerk, "Why is there a dog dish in there?"

Bad Daddy!

2009-01-23T15:57:00.001-05:00

Next week is Rachel's 100th day of school. The kids are supposed to bring one hundred of any one item. Rachel plans to bring 100 buttons.

The students are also supposed to dress as 100-year-olds, with their school uniforms underneath. My wife, who has been fighting a cold for a week and a half, griped, "Now how are we going to dress her as a hundred year-old?"

I moved over to whisper in her ear, "We put one kid in a pine box and then have six others carry it in!"

Who Needs An Energy Drink....

2009-01-22T07:55:00.001-05:00

....when I get all the boost I need from seeing the grin spread over my child's face and the "Yea!" she shouts whenever I tell her I'll pick her up from school.

Me Too, Kramer!

2009-01-22T07:52:00.003-05:00

You know that Seinfeld episode where Kramer suffers seizures every time he hears Mary Hart's voice? That's me whenever I hear Lara Spencer on The Insider!

L Is For Limber. It Also Is For Liniment.

2009-01-21T12:13:00.005-05:00

Every Tuesday night is kids' night/arts and crafts project night at our area Chic-Fil-A. We try to make sure Rachel makes it every week. She gets to hang with her peeps and burn off energy on the indoor playground. Rebecca and I get to talk for a while and try to scarf down soft-serve cones before Rachel spots them (we rarely succeed.)

Last night, despite temperatures that had already plunged below freezing, our part polar bear/part penguin daughter took off her shoes and socks at the indoor playground and at some point, ran out to our table to grab a few waffle fries and some juice.

All of a sudden, an unmistakable fragrance wafted up to my nostrils. Yup, definitely foot smell. Rachel was informed a bath would be her agenda. She agreed that would be no problem.

As Rebecca and I glanced at each other with a "whoo, hope no one else can smell that!" look, Rachel lifted her foot up to her nose to give a close up whiff. And then like a junkie needing more hits, she brought her foot up to her nose a couple more times. As Rebecca and I marveled that Rachel hadn't fainted yet, we also mentoned the remarkable dexterity of children.

Apparently, Rachel decided "you ain't seen nothing yet!" She lifted the leg past her nose and then placed it flat on the middle of the top of her head. Again, she repeated the action for added emphasis. And again. A 4-year-old boy from a nearby table came up and started trying to imitate her. By then, my eyes had bugged out like Harpo Marx. My wife and I looked at each other wide-eyed and shook our heads in disbelief.

Rachel returned to the indoor playground.

Now when I was younger, I could sit cross-legged with each foot atop the opposite hip, flip up onto my knees and walk across a room on my knees while still in the cross-legged position. You could just hear women say, "Oooh, who is THAT guy?"

Key phrase in the last paragraph: "when I was younger." With Rachel back on the indoor playground, I lifted my left foot from under the table and pressed the sock against my nose and looked at my wife for affirmation. "You're probably gonna feel that tomorrow," she said, with a mixture of "I'm impressed" and "Don't hurt yourself, honey!"

I put my foot back on the floor, slipped it into a loafer, stood up and started taking our trash to the receptacle. My hip asked, "What was that?" I looked back at my wife, smiled and replied, "Tomorrow? How about now?"

Mixed Emotions

2009-01-21T11:58:00.003-05:00

Next month, one of my best friends will get married for the first time at age 51. All I can ask is that he be as happy with his decision as I am since I walked down the aisle almost seven years ago.

Allen has asked me to be one of his groomsmen. I agreed, especially since he was one of my groomsmen. I'll fly out to Portland, Oregon February 11 and return February 15. I am excited to see another part of the country, but I don't think I've ever been apart from Rebecca and Rachel for even half that long.

Rachel realized last night I was going to be away several nights. Her lip started to quiver and she started whimpering, just on the verge of tears. I ached for her and also felt filled with love for the impact we've had on each other's lives. Rebecca assured her they'd have fun and go to grandma's.

Still, as I usher my friend Allen on to the newest phase of his life, I will be yearning for the two lights of my life more than two thousand miles away. While their pictures will be on my nightstand; my yearning to return to them will be constant in my heart.

"But Seriously, Folks!"

2009-01-14T23:44:00.001-05:00

If this tv news thing doesn't work out, there is always the Borscht Belt.

Homemade Birthday Cupcakes

2009-01-14T23:30:00.001-05:00

The kids definitely had preferences. We ran out of "star" sprinkles before "lines."

Rachel turns 6!!!!

2009-01-14T22:51:00.002-05:00

Rachel wears her special hat as her classmates celebrate her 6th birthday.

Key Lime Birthday

2009-01-07T13:56:00.000-05:00

Family Portrait

2009-01-07T13:37:00.001-05:00

"Happy Birthday to You!" "And Happy Birthday to You!"

2009-01-07T13:27:00.001-05:00

My birthday is December 17th. Rebecca's is December 18th. This was our birthday lunch at Bahama Breeze.

Mutual Admiration Society

2009-01-07T13:19:00.000-05:00

Love Personified

2009-01-07T13:03:00.001-05:00

Point Proven!

2008-12-30T23:15:00.002-05:00

Today, while we enjoyed a meal together, Rachel asked Rebecca and me why we got married. During the course of the explanation, we told her that we rarely argue with each other and in fact, Rachel likes to argue much more than we do.

"No I don't!" she replied.

She wasn't real happy when we struggled to suppress our laughter.

American Gladators- 5-year-old Edition

2008-12-25T17:17:00.005-05:00

"Good evening and Welcome to 'American Gladiators. Tonight, Siren takes on Laura in a series of events centered around 5-year-old boys and girls. These events will challenge the patience, stamina and creativity of both contestants.

We determined the order before the show began. We presented both Siren and Laura with sippy cups and Barbie dolls completely covered in Scotch tape for no reason by their children. Their challenge was to remove the Scotch tape as quickly as possible and in the fewest pieces. A five second deduction was added for each curse word or negative statement uttered. Siren won by 2.5 seconds after Laura said something about 'tubes being tied.'

For her victory, Siren chose to go second in our next challenge 'Clean vs. Dirty.' Each contestant will be shown an item and have to determine whether it is clean or dirty. Bring out the first item! Laura, go!"

"Well, it's a shirt and it's really wrinkled. But there are no stains on it. I'm going to say it was left on the back of a chair, pulled onto the floor and used as a blanket. It's clean!"

"You are CORRECT! Siren, go!"

"That's easy. There is a hole in the knee and an odor of grass stains. I think this was worn 10 minutes and the child was told not to get it dirty and clearly ignored the request and made the entire family late to grandmas because when he went to change, none of the socks that could be found matched any others in the house."

"Siren, you know your children. You are CORRECT. Laura, your turn!"

"Well, it looks clean, but the pullover is badly stretched near the midsection. This is a tell-tale sign the child crammed as many stuffed animals as possible underneath it to simulate being pregnant."

"So, your answer is....."

"Clean....but no longer wearable!"

"CORRECT!...Siren!"

"Mud on the trouser cuffs. Hole in the elbow of the shirt. Dirty!"

"Oh, I'm SORRY. Laura, for the win...."

"The trousers can be stuffed in boots. The shirt can be covered with a sweater or jacket. All I'm asking is one day to wash my clothes and daddy's clothes. Dirty, but can be worn again!"

"CORRRR-RECT! Round to Laura. She leads one to nothing. Our next game involves mysterious stains on light-colored sofas, beige rugs and clothing. We will begin with Siren and go in order until a stain is misidentified. The other contestant must identify that one correctly and the next one to win the round. Siren...go!"

"Chocolate syrup!"

"CORR-RECT! Laura"

"Queso"

"YES....Siren!"

"Blood....from the third finger on the left hand."

"AMAZING!"

"Paste...third period art!"

"Siren, continue..."

"Kitty Litter?"

"CORR-RECT! Laura?"

"Magic marker!"

"OH, I"M SORRY! Siren?"

"Eyeliner!"

"Yes and for the win.....what is this stain?

"The glitter I told her not to open 204 times!"

"YES! Tied one to one. For all the marbles, our contestants will have to race barefoot from one end of the house to another to answer a phone before the machine picks up, not knowing it's just a telemarketer even though each woman signed up for the 'Do Not Call List'. Making it more difficult is a floor filled with obstacles left by teams of 5-year-olds who ignored repeated entreaties to 'pick up your stuff or it goes to Goodwill!'

Whoever reaches the phone first will be our champion. Ladies, are you ready? Then, GO!

Siren is off to an early lead after Laura was thrown into the wall by marbles. OH! But now Siren is extracting a metal jack from the fourth metacarpal. OOOHHHH! And now it's Laura's turn to writhe in pain as she stepped on Legos in the most painful way possible. Siren makes her way around Pirate Booty strewn about the floor, but look out! The silver tea set got her. That spout may have to be surgically removed. THE ANSWERING MACHINE IS BEEPING! THE MESSAGE IS BEING LEFT! Both women are on the floor in obvious pain as the five-year-olds point and giggle with delight, oblivious that there will be no trips to Toys R Us or Chuck E. Cheese the rest of the month. For the 239th night in a row, WE HAVE NO WINNER! But as always, we thank you for watching! American Gladiators is performed before a live studio audience and we hope at least two of them are doctors! Good night!"

Let's Not Go Krogering!

2008-12-17T17:48:00.002-05:00

"Attention, Kroger shoppers. Due to a growing number of morons in our store, we will be renaming the '15 items or less self-serve lane" the '15 brain cells or less lane.'"

I mean really, what is so dadburn difficult about buying groceries, getting into the self-serve lane, ringing yourself up, tabulating the cost, paying and leaving? Apparently, there are a lot of people out there who should be extremely thankful breathing is involuntary.

I spent 15 minutes today watching people in the checkout line looking at the machines like they were Paris Hilton attending a lecture by Stephen Hawking.

As a public service, I'd like to help explain the process.

"15 items or less."

15 is three more than a dozen. You start at one and count up to fifteen. If you have more than 15, get out of line. See that sign above that reads "15 items or less?" That's a big hint. I know we live in a melting pot. I am a first generation American on my father's side. He came to this country with a limited knowledge of the language, but he learned it and made a nice life for himself. Learn enough to perform basic functions.

One possible alternative, when the scanner senses a 16th item, a trap door opens and a pneumatic tube, much like what is used in banks, delivers the customer out to the parking lot while animatronic Sesame Street characters shout out numbers one through fifteen.

The Line

People are lined up to wait their turn. You get behind them, not in front of them. Don't point to the machine that reads $4.39 for nasal spray with a $1.50 Kroger card discount. No one can use it until the employee voids the sale. You know what? Go ahead and try to use it. Knock yourself out, you lemming.

By the way, if the machine says "collect your change from the cashier", that means the next person can't use it until the change is distributed.

"Speed It Up!"

If there is a line of people growing longer behind you, you can scan your items at a speed slightly quicker than a Yugo accelerating up an entrance ramp to merge into freeway traffic. We are cautiously optimistic you can find a bar code at a pace quicker than one every 45 seconds.

"Produce"

You hit the "produce button" and then hit the corresponding picture that looks like what you are buying. if you are buying bananas, look for the image that shows bananas. A watermelon is not a cherry! Lemons are not grapefruits! I believe the best solution to this dilemma would be to rig the machines so they deliver a massive electrical shock the second time the incorrect produce button is pressed. The current would increase with each subsequent mistake.

"Please place the item in the bag."

After you scan your item, place it in a plastic bag, or in the case of sodas, dog food or detergent, on the counter, with enough force so that the machine senses it. Continued ignorance of the process could result in you leaving the store in a bag, a body bag!

"Do you have any coupons?"

Simply press "yes" or "no." Otherwise the question shall be changed to "do you have any clue?"

You then press cash, debit or credit and pay, indicating whether you want change back.

I also think chronic self check-out offenders should have their photos posted, like criminals whose pictures are up at the post office. Or maybe we should have to submit to sophisticated eye scans and be required to use them every time we use the self-serve lanes. Habitual idiots would have their eyes scanned as sirens blare, lights flash and James Earl Jones voice intones "Moron alert...moron alert...moron alert" while others look disdainfully at the customer and the cashier hands them a scarlet M.

Not that I'm bitter or need anger management counseling or anything.

Rachel These Days

2008-12-16T07:56:00.003-05:00

It amazes me how rapidly Rachel continues to develop these days. The biggest thrill is how she recognizes words. She is not even six yet and some of the words she has figured out have to be far beyond what is expected for her age.

The downside of this, of course, is we can no longer spell words we don't want to say in front of her. She is more than capable of figuring them out.

Our daughter still has the penchant for the dramatic and at times, hyperbole. Curses by both parents with a sweet tooth, or perhaps an entire mouth of them, she has developed a little bit of a stomach. Today, we couldn't get her pants buttoned without her complaining of discomfort. She told us she was going to get a nosebleed because the pants were so tight! She has since gone to school in a skirt instead.

Another example of her sweet tooth. The other day, the Temple had a series of Hanukkah projects for young children. One was to make an edible menorah out of graham crackers, marshmellows, pretzels, some sort of miniature candy and an unidentifiable material that looked to be cross among butter, vanilla extract and meringue. We were limited to fifteen minutes at each project station, so we only got three candles done. Rachel ate her menorah before her mom even had a chance to see it, giving a whole new meaning to the term "light lunch."

By the time the session was over, Rachel was cruising on a sugar high of epic proportions, running around the room, jumping on dad, things like that. Later in the day, she went to our neighbor Christina's house to help bake Christmas cookies. We had to stage an intervention to "bring her down" before school the next day.

These days, the R in Rachel's first name might as well stand for "R" gumenative. Sometimes, I think she just wants to hear herself argue. As a result, I have developed what all parents call "the look." I look at her a certain way and if it doesn't trigger the "off" switch, at least I can get a "pause" for a second or two. The funniest thing is when I give her the look or she is admonished for something and she just heads for the corner and stands there. There is a sense of right or wrong in our 5-year-old.

In fact, when we ask her how school was, she'll often respond, "I didn't make it to step one today." Step one is a gentle reminder from her teacher. Step two is timeout. Step three is a trip to another teacher's toom. Step four is a trip to Headmistress Becky Hunt. When Rachel admits she made step one or rarely step two and you ask what she did, she usually answers in this timid, hushed voice "I don't know." It's usually for talking or not staying put, but it may take time to extract that information.

Still, she loves learning. She knows she will be six in three weeks or so. I recently gave her a Toys R Us catalogue and had her circle what interested in. I've learned from that. Next year, I will have her circle what doesn't interest her. It won't take as long. For the record, Disney Princesses and dogs are very big this year. She loves chihuahuas. We continue to hope another breed becomes her favorite soon.

All we need is a child on a sugar high arguing with us, with a chihuahua yapping behind her. Serenity now!

Thanksgiving Day Surprise

2008-12-07T12:33:00.002-05:00

It wasn't exctly breakfast in bed. It was more like we were in bed and summoned out of bed.

Anyway, Thanksgiving morning began in a touching way at our house. Rachel woke us up and informed us she had made us breakfast.

I got up first and was relieved to not find a huge mess in the kitchen. Instead, I found two plates on the floor. My morning meal consisted of a slice of Muenster cheese between two slices of wheat bread, a small box of raisins, a purple Tootsie Pop (my favorite flavor) and a carton of Juicy Juice. I devoured it all, except for the Juicy Juice.

Rebecca moved a little more slowly that morning and by the time she emerged, Rachel had eaten the meal she prepared for her mother.

Still, it was nice to learn that on Thanksgiving Day, our five-year-old had chosen o do something nice for others.

Happenin' Specs

2008-11-27T18:06:00.004-05:00

Rachel's class also made Thanksgiving bracelets. There were some leftover beads, so Rachel decided to accessorize her glasses. If this is what it will take for her to keep them on, so be it.

Rachel's Turkey

2008-11-27T18:00:00.001-05:00

During the Thanksgiving Day celebration at Rachel's school, the kids made miniature turkeys out of food. This is Rachel's.

Cotume #2-Cowgirl!

2008-11-27T17:06:00.002-05:00

My Two Great Loves

2008-11-27T16:44:00.002-05:00

Ready For Her Closeup

2008-11-27T16:36:00.002-05:00

Kitty Fairy Princess

2008-11-27T16:22:00.003-05:00

I lost my camera for a month, so here are the 2008 Halloween pictures, one month late. Our first Halloween costume is Kitty Fairy Princess.

They Call The Wind....Well, In This Case, Rachel

2008-11-26T22:47:00.003-05:00

The birth certificate say Rachel is a girl. Sometimes I wonder.

Last weekend, her grandmother was in the hospital. It's okay, she was released after two days.

We stopped by to visit Saturday afternoon. The hospital is in one of Atlanta's northern suburbs, about 45 minutes to an hour from our house. The lobby was eerily quiet.

No one manned the information desk. The shiny floors hardly looked trodden upon. An occasional doctor or orderly would walk by, but beyond that, there were few people, other than one woman quietly talking on her cell phone. Rachel and I were in the corridor, waiting for Rebecca to buy something in the gift shop for her mother.

Bored, Rachel sat on the floor. Sometimes she lay on her side or twirled around on her behind. Suddenly, the antiseptic silence was pierced by the distinct, loud, well enunciated words of my daughter, across from the hospital chapel. "I FARTED!" she proclaimed.

What did that birth certificate say again?

Booty Call

2008-11-26T22:35:00.002-05:00

I feel old and not just because Rebecca and I showed up at Rachel's school today for Grandparents' Day. Grandma couldn't make it and since it was also called Special Persons Day, we asked for and received permission to stand in for grandma.

We enjoyed listening to the middle school percussion band, meeting new people and some of Rachel's friends. We also participated in Thanksgiving-related arts and crafts. I was pleased when Rachel filled out two turkey feathers that featured fill in the blanks..."I am thankful for...." I figured she would say "my toys" or "mommy and daddy." Instead, she said "earth" and "everything." Much more worldly and environmental. Cool!

After the class sang three Thanksgiving songs, complete with choreography, things began to wind down. All students were asked to empty their lockers and bring more wintry backup clothes next week.

Rachel asked where her pirate booty was. Pirate booty is a snack food made of rice and corn. Rachel had been eating some on her way to school. I wanted to make sure she brought any that was left home with her, so I urged her, "Take, take, take...take, take, take....take your booty...take your booty." My wife laughed. I think she was the only one old enough to get the reference. I think it was lost on her teacher, who looks to be in about her mid-twenties. Oh well!

Rachel Is Changing...And It's Probably Her Shirt

2008-11-17T22:21:00.004-05:00

Rachel is growing up quickly. Every day, she can read more words and she is not even six yet! It has reached the point where we can no longer spell in front of her. There is a good chance she will figure out the topic of conversation.

One thing that has not changed, however, is her ability to get food stains on her clothing. The chance of that happening is directly related to whether she is wearing her school uniform. If she happens to be wearing a white shirt from The Davis Academy, the odds are overwhelming that either a lemonade stain or various chocolate stains will wind up on it.

Other prior certainties in her life are no longer sure things. Tonight, I heard her switch off the nightlight in her room. She said she is no longer scared of the dark and besides, she can still see the light from the adjacent bathroom. All of a sudden, the heretofore shunned crust on a slice of bread is no longer verboten. Up until now, mom and dad have been required to remove said crust before bread is to be eaten.

At age five and five-sixths, Rachel still doesn't have the edit mechanism you develop before you open your mouth and say something. Then again, I'm still waiting for mine to kick in. We play a game called the alphabet game, where we take turns naming words that begin with each letter of the alphabet. When we get to n, Rachel almost always says, "nose hair." Guilty! How I wish Rebecca hadn't said that a year and a half ago! It continues to haunt.

Tonight, I recited the letters o-l-d from a street sign. Rachel told me that spelled "old." She then related that she had gone to a store called "Olde Time Pottery" with her mom. They apparently bought a pillow and Rachel lay down on it. My wife has been known to take her time in stores like that. When I told Rachel that I didn't realize she had been there, she replied, "Believe me, I've been there! She inherited my patience...or lack thereof.

She is already looking toward a career. Tonight, she wants to be a police officer. She pantomimed directing traffic and said she wants to put bad guys in jail.

But my favorite conversation with her today was when I tried to describe how big nine feet is. "That is me standing up and another half of me on top of that," I tried to explain.

"How tall are you?" she asked.

"Six foot two," I replied. "74 inches. That is 32 inches tallen than your 42 inches.'

"I am 42 inches," she acknowleged. "When I have my clothes on."

Put The Fairy on Standby!

2008-11-13T20:00:00.003-05:00

Rachel has marked another milestone. She has her first loose tooth.

According to the child resources on the Internet, she's a little early. The guides I have found say most children lose their first tooth somewhere between six and seven years old. Rachel is two months shy of six.

The same guides also say that if your child received her teeth late, they will probably lose their teeth later than average. Rachel's first tooth came in at 13 months, so she's bucking that trend too.

Of course, as is Rachel's modus operandi, the tooth development has been accompanied by much drama. She is scared. She keeps wiggling it with her finger.
By no means is her tongue to come over and play with it. It is almost as if the tooth has taken out a temporary restraining order and forbidden the tongue from coming within twenty yards of it.

Another fear she has expressed is that she may swallow it. I assured her that fear won't come back to bite her in the butt.

When I was young, my tongue always wanted to come over and play with a loose tooth, much like a cat with a June bug. Apparently, Rebecca was the same way. Rachel, not so much.

She had corn on the cob today in her lunch bag and there was no way that corn cob was getting anywhere near the loose tooth. Rachel held out for a banana when she got home and at dinner tonight, tried to learn how to bite with the side of her mouth.

Forget what mom and dad did; Rachel is the polar opposite--or is that molar opposite?

I tried to remind her that the tooth fairy will reward her when it comes out. She wanted to know whether the tooth fairy would want her tooth when it's all bloody. We assured her it would be cleaned up. She then wanted to know what the tooth fairy does with all the teeth. My guess is either a really gaudy necklace or a big payoff at the cuspid recycler.

Apparently, the tooth didn't bother her enough to avoid M&M's for dessert. They do melt in your mouth, after all.

Anyway, it looks as if for the next few days or weeks, our main topic of conversation will be the tooth,the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth!

Oh, So That's It!

2008-11-11T23:20:00.003-05:00

I was having a basic conversation with Rachel last night in which I asked her whether she knew my mother's name.

She said she did not.

I told her my mom's name was Betty. I then asked her if she knew the name of Rebecca's mother.

She correctly replied that Rebecca's mom is named Betty as well. She then informed me, "And that's why you and mom had to get married...because your mom is named Betty and her mom is named Betty!"

Early Thanksgiving

2008-10-27T00:37:00.004-04:00

Thanksgiving has come early to our house. Actually, Thanksgiving is every day at our house. We are all thankful for one another. Rebecca and I are thankful we were blessed with Rachel in our forties and that we got pregnant right off the bat. Okay, Rebecca got pregnant. I helped a little.

Rachel is the blessing that renews itself every day. Sure, she can be a moody, headstrong blessing, but she is our moody, headstrong blessing. My mother and father warned me my temper would get me in trouble one day; they just never explained it would be in the form of my daughter.

We've had a new reason to be thankful lately. Two and a half months into kindergarten, Rachel has started to read. Not just your basic words; she is reading some fairly large words. For that, we can thank the Davis Academy and other factors.
Rachel has always enjoyed playing the "letter game." She suggests a letter starting with "a", then mom and dad provide two more and we work our way through the alphabet. Sure, we get tired of Rachel saying "nose hair" when we get to "n", but the important thing is she is learning. Sometimes it was an all animal version of the "letter game", sometimes it was all food. But it sure is paying off now.

A couple of weeks ago, I was reading to her from a book called "Poppleton." It's about a pig whose neighbor is a llama. I read her the first chapter and she asked to read the second chapter. My jaw dropped as I realized how many words she recognized. Now, when we eat out, she asks whether she can take a book with her. Thanks to school, she has a favorite author, Nancy Carlson.

We're also thankful she enjoys school and has embraced her Judaism. We're not jamming it down her throat. I don't think I was exposed to it enough as a child and I often felt "different." Rachel has a real sense of belonging, as Rebecca and I do.
For her consecration, she was given a miniature Torah, which is kept in a wooden ark she painted during a crafts day with daddy in Sunday school. The ark and Torah are in a corner of her bed and she recites the Shema every night before going to sleep. That's the most sacred prayer in Judaism, pronouncing the belief in one G-d. We did not make her do this. She took it upon herself.

On a lighter note, I am thankful dried Cheerios are not carcinogenic. I spent several hours this afternoon cleaning around the living room couch. That includes under the couch and its cushions. Let me tell you, I have never seen that many dried Cheerios and Cheerios dust in my life. If there were to be a worldwide Cheerios shortage, I would expect the Secret Police to be knocking on our door. Mixed in with the Cheerios, were about a hundred small beads, ten whistles, assorted natural Cheetos and two huge bags of raisins that have likely fermented and would make me drunk if I ate them, as well as two bibs, seven doll shoes, four rocks, two acorns, twelve dollars in change, mismatched Polly Pocket shoes, a Polly Pocket kitten, two pairs of school socks, four mismatched socks, one pair of shoes, one pair of plastic high heels and three books.

We're sure the "list of things to be thankful for" will expand in the months and year to come. I know Rebecca looks forward to Rachel enjoying more classic rock and no longer enjoying the high pitched voices on her "Backyardigans" cd. We bought the cd yesterday. It was played the first time in Rebecca's car today. Perhaps we'll "misplace" it in the former "Cheerios Graveyard" under the couch. There is finally room there.

Heredity

2008-10-26T09:00:00.004-04:00

We have a very small freezer. Anything that goes in there has to be crammed in and precariously balanced in hopes that when the door is opened, nothing falls with a painful thud onto bare or sock-clad feet below.

Among the items taking up space are a likely-by-now fossilized chocolate Easter bunny. It was given to my sensitive, loving, empathetic wife before we were married (we've been married six years.)

There it has remained. Rebecca can't bear to eat the bunny's chocolate head. In a few scant years, the chocolate bunny will be old enough to apply for a driver's license, although once it would thaw out, it would likely dissolve under the intense rays of the summer Georgia sun, not to mention its difficulty seeing over the steering wheel and applying the brake simultaneously.

Anyhow, cut to yesterday. We are in Border's Books and my wife is purchasing a raspberry mocha latte. I don't drink coffee, but I know enough to know my wife loves raspberry and chocolate, as long as they are not shaped like a bunny. This cup of coffee entitles her to a free cookie, but there is only one chocolate chip cookie left and a 5-year-old who would likely devour it if she learns of its existence. Rachel was a few feet away, looking at a Nick Kids or Disney magazine.

Rebecca then spots an adorable little shortbread cookie. It has yellow and brown icing on it and is in the shape of a cat, complete with whiskers and a cute little nose. She buys both cookies and the coffee. We round up Rachel and walk out to the car.

Rebecca tells Rachel she bought her something special, but she is not going to give it to her until we're in the car. Naturally, the twenty seconds of suspense drives Rachel crazy. We get to the car. Rebecca gives Rachel the cookie. Rachel thinks it is cute.

Rachel and daddy head to a nearby Barnes and Noble to see whether it has children's books Border's did not. Mommy walks down from the Border's to check out Michael's. Daddy and Rachel are happy not to be at Michael's and will return to pick mommy up.

It is maybe five minutes from Border's to Barnes and Noble. As I turn right and prepare to park, Rachel tells me, "This cookie is too cute to eat!" I crack up. "You're going to have to tell your mother that when you see her in a few minutes." Rachel asks whether she can take the cookie with her, all while repeating it's so cute, she doesn't know whether she can eat it. We decide to leave it in the car. We walk hand-in-hand to the store.

When we pick up mommy at Michael's, I tell Rachel to tell her mom what she told me. Rachel does so. "Looks like we've got another one!" I exclaim.

I mean, I'm sensitive and sentimental too. It's one of the reasons Rebecca married me and our marriage continues to work. However, if it's chocolate or a sweet, it's going down my gullet no matter how cute it is.

By the way, the cat cookie did get eaten several hours later. As far as I know, the chocolate Easter bunny is still in the freezer.